Cancer 258
Posted on May 22, 2026 Leave a Comment
Apparently it was supposed to be hot today, by British standards. If that is the case why did I need two blankets and a hot water bottle to sit outside? I have justmcome inside and my hands are very cold. I have got my inside blanket on so hopefully I will warm up soon. It appears that 25 degrees is the new 5 degrees. We went for a drive today, down to Calke Abbey. As there was no crip wagon available I made no attempt to get to the garden or to the house. We just went to the cafe. I ate one bite of scone and under half a cookie. My diet is getting worse, though I did eat some chocolate cake and a biscuit when we got home. I aso had a glass of milk in the cafe that I found difficult to finish – it was ony a small glass. The drive was approaching my limit by the time we got home. I took a circuitous route of course, but it still meant I fell asleep this afternoon and am ready for more sleep.
It is getting worse not just by the week but apparently by the day. I am getting more pains in my abdomen, including when I stand up. I struggle to balance when I first stand. I struggle to walk. This is particularly in the morning. During the day I am a little better, and then I deteriorate again later in the day. My memory seems to get worse on a daily basis. At times I have almst given up trying to remember something and rely on others to help.
At least my axatives have worked today, but as always now it is just brown liquid that emerges. My capacity to urinate is no better. I really want to go but when I try it is just a dribble. It feels like it is being reabsorbed.
The more I think about it the more I think the choice of continuing chemotherapy treatment is going to be made for me next week, ie they are going to tell me treatment is cancelled. I think that if it is there won’t be ny mre, unless there is yet another typy of treatment. I am not bothered if there isn’t. I will continue to starve myself, but perhaps with a little more effort. We’ll see. Nothing is certain.
Cancer 257
Posted on May 20, 2026 Leave a Comment
The countdown to doomsday is accelerating. This is meant to be my best time of the round. It is over week since my last treatment, and my next treatment doesn’t start until next week. But – the side effects and the symptoms are, if anything, getting stronger, and it does feel that I am declining and going in on myself. Only recently I still thought we could go abroad. Now I don’t think we will get as far as Northumberland. My favourite hobby, driving, is becoming more difficult. After cancelling the drive to Devon last week I am now getting tired just going out for an hour or two, Leaving the county is getting to be a bit of an adventure.
Except I don’t like adventures any more, I am just not bothered. It is the same with food, On the wife’s birthday we went to Callow Hall, which has a really interesting menu. I have always liked going there. I couldn’t even finish the food. Only a couple of weeks ago I looked forward to eating something in cafes. Now I am not bothered. I am eating perhaps half the calories I need and I am not hungry. I don’t even want chocolate or chocolate cake. I am still having these things but they just don’t excite me any more.
I am struggling to type. My neuropathy is getting worse. Typing hurts, which is not good for my writing hobby. One finger is getting permanently bent so I am missing keys. I am trying to correct my writing but it is taking longer. That is not good for my MA, whcih I am also losing interest in. I am hardly reading anything. I just can’t be bothered (though I did manage to finish The Virgin and the Gypsy today). I had to refill my pill box yesterday, perhaps 15 pills every day. Only last week it was relatively easy to pop the pills, yesterday it was so difficult I nearly handed the job over to the wife. She is now helping me with shirt buttons and sometimes my socks. The neuropathy is also in my feet and lower legs, which means not only that it is difficult to walk, but it is difficult to balance, particularly when I first stand up.
The list is longer, but you get the point. Part of the problem is pain that makes it increasingly difficult to do things. Part of it is my brain partilly switching off and being less interested in things. I don’t know how long it can go on I am slowly starving myself – and am quite happy about it – and closing in on myself, which I am fighting, at least to the extent that I can be bothered.
I am losing the will to live. Add this to my fear about the impact the next round of treatment is going to have on me and I start to seriously think about giving up treatment and moving onto palliative care. I do try to maintain a positive outlook. Death is just a part of life, another life event that we all have to go through. I am going through it earlier than I would have wanted, but I still need to see this positively. It is a bit like going somewhere for the first time. You now enough about the destination, but it can still be a bit nerve-wracking.
Cancer 256
Posted on May 16, 2026 Leave a Comment
I have been looking at the various ways of committing suicide. Some of them are less practical than others, all are a bit scary.
I have never liked the idea of jumping off somewhere. I witnessed the recovery of a body from Beachy Head when I was a child. The rescue services had to be lowered down the cliff, wrap up the battered body and bring it up on a metal stretcher. The blood was oozing out of the wrappings, and it is not pleasant to put recovery services through this. In any case, I am such a coward I am not sure I could jump, I worry about what I would think as I went down. The nearest cliff, High Tor, would be difficult to get to the top of now, so let’s dismiss that.
Shooting is out of the question. I would need access to a decent gun and again it is not pleasant for those who have to tidy up afterwards. I only have an air rifle. That could take my eye out or cause something similar to a bee sting on my skin. I won’t bother.
Slitting my wrists, I did used to cut myself a bit before it was called self-harm, but nothing serious. Back to cowardice, I am not sure that I could dig that razor blade in deep enough. I do know to do it lengtheways, not across the wrists. It is more difficult to patch up.
Hanging? There is the jumping element here too, and I think I would try and use my hands to stop suffocating unless I fell far enough to break my neck. To do the latter I would have to climb high enough – difficult.
Sitting on rail tracks. This would be quick and effective, but I know from my previous research that it can have quite an impact on train drivers, and there is a lot of mess to clean up.
Drowning. I couldn’t just walk out to sea and not come back. I think the urge to live would overrule letting water into my lungs. I have always beene afraid of drowning. It feels like it would be uncomfortable.
There is a bit of a theme here. I am caring about the impact on those who have to clean up after me. I am assuming that those who know and love me will understand as those old clogs are popping anyway and I am just trying to ease my own pain.
Taking an overdose. This is not a bad idea. I have access to some drugs (basically painkillers like everyone). I just need to find out what the correct dosage is as I would not want to wake up afterwards. I would also have to make sure that no one is going to pump my stomach when everyone knows that I shoud not be resuscitated – presumably this would fall under those guidelines, ie let me die.
Starvation. Ironically, given the wife’s culinary skills, this might be the best option. Half the time I can’t eat anyway, and it is always a bit of an effort. While it can take a lot longer than other methods it might be less painful. I should ask Bobby Sands. It is also a method where I can change my mind – several times. I coud try not drinking too, as that is quicker.
Going to Switzerland. Travelling is difficult though perhaps I will look into this again.
Many of these methods are not open to me because I am a coward and I don’t want to hurt any more than I am already hurting because of this damned cancer. Some are unappectable because of the impact of others finding me and clearing up. At the moment starvation seems the most appealing. If anyone has any better ideas please let me know.
Cancer 255
Posted on May 15, 2026 Leave a Comment
Unlike during the rest of my life, whether fit and healthy, with heart failure or with cancer, it is now unusual to be awake for extended periods in the middle of the night. I usually sleep, wake up for the toilet, sleep, repeat. I havelittle doubt that I will sleep once I have completed this in the next five or ten minutes. Sleeping is some of my best time now. I am having vivid dreams. Nothing new there except they are more explicit and more powerful. There are themes and characters that repeat across different dreams and different nights. The illusions caused by the tree outside the window sometimes affet them, creating a sort of horror dream. The advantage of being in the dream is that I can move around freely, like normal people.
Having said that, the longer it is since my last treatment (four days now) the better I am getting. I am not getting as well as I was under the first treatment regime, but I am better than I was last week – though that is not saying much as I was quite reay to die. At least now I am considering whether it is the right time to die rather than being convinced it is! I am dreading going back to treatment in a week’s time. This is the problem with chemotherapy, it is relentless. No sooner have you finished one treatment and spent a few days recovering, then the next treatment becomes due. I suspect that I will finish treatment not through discussion with the consultant but by just not turning up.
It has been a better two days. Two days ago we went to Chatsworth and I got a crip wagon. Unfortunately it broke down the far end of the garden. If you have been to Chatsworth (ie if you have money to burn) then you will inow that is quite a long way from the entrance. I had to walk back. It is fortunate that I can still walk, if for a limited distance and very slowly. I am glad they have a lot of seats at Chatsworth. There was no problem.They got me another one. It rained most of the time.
YesterdayI got my crip chair at Hardwick Hall. This was a much better machine, a tramper. It had winkers and everything. We went around the gardens in better weather. I even ate a scone, which shows I am really ill because I don’t eat scones, especially with clotted cream on. I need to be careful and watch my figure.
Until the other day I didn’t know that Bess of Hardwick had four big houses built. Name them. I bet you can only get to three, like me. But after Hardwick Old Hall, Hardwick New Hall, and Chatsworth, there was Oldcotes. It is no good trying to visit Oldcotes. It has been obliterated more effectively than Dresden. It was built for Bess’s son, William, but he rarely used it because it was too small, only 44 fireplaces poor chap.
I still have constipation, though not 100%, as it was until the other day, so I have been eating for the last couple of days. I wondetr if a scone is enough to ensure I don’t lose any more weight by the next treatment day. I am wasting away, though I suspect I still weigh more than any of you, as a result of my previous love of food.
Cancer 254
Posted on May 13, 2026 1 Comment
I feel I am now watching myself through the process of dying. At the moment my body is deteriorating faster than my mind – or at least I think it is! I am tempted to leave all my typing errors but this might be unintelligible.
It is difficult typing due to the severe tingling in my fingers. It is hard to read a book for the same reason. This morning I found myself sitting doing nothing except stare out of the window. I never used to do that. I do very few jobs at home now. I have not even made breakfast for weeks.
Yesteeday I phoned the Rapid Response line due to my constipation. I try and avoid phoning them.
I went to the hospice yesterday to a cancer support group, the first time evee. At least I still went with the idea of doing the supporting, rather than needing support. It had nice gardens but was unfortunately next to a dual carriagwway so was not peaceful. I often wonder wherher city folk actually hear traffic noise.
This morning I was reading Marcus Aurelius’s Meditations. It is very realistic and helpful, noit hipeful in that meaningless way people talk about.
I am seriously considering how long I can keep on with this chemo treatment. I need to feel good at least sometimes.
Dr Nigel Hunt 