Social Democratic Republic of South Wingfield (SDRSW)

An open letter to all EU leaders

Back in 1997, when Tony Blair came to power, we were not that impressed by his policies, personality and so on (oh for the return of those days – we didn’t realise how much worse it would become), we declared independence from the UK and became SDRSW. We were social, we were democratic, we didn’t have a monarch. We had a flag and everything, so it was valid.

Now we are on the day that the UK is leaving the EU it is time to reinstitute the SDRSW. Basically, we are not leaving. We are staying in the EU; the whole house and garden is remaining a full member. We will continue to have free movement of people, goods, services, and capital (though we don’t have much of the last one – or the rest for that matter) between the SDRSW and the rest of the EU.

We do have a problem. Like West Berlin before the fall of the USSR we need a corridor between the EU and ourselves, as we are in the middle of Derbyshire. We have yet to negotiate this with Johnson, but expect to have the corridor through to Portsmouth so we can easily get on Brittany Ferries and go to France without showing our passports – because we are in Schengen, or we will be once the EU agrees to it. While we are at it we would also appreciate joining the Euro, and perhaps having a little more political union.

As full members of the EU we are of course willing to contribute our share of the funding. We realise that you will not be accepting those dodgy new so-called 50 pence pieces that Johnson is introducing (I am surprised they are not 10 bob notes), but I am sure you will accept Paypal. In return of course we will be able to apply for grants for the less well off areas of the SDRSW. A couple of my sheds are in need of new felt roofs and there is a bit of damp at the bottom of the stairs.

In case anyone thinks this is not democratic (unlike leaving the EU without a further referendum when polls suggest a clear majority wanting to stay in) we have had a vote and 100% of the population want to remain in the EU. Even the cat realises the benefits of membership.

We are looking forward to a long and fruitful relationship within the EU. When the day comes, and come it surely will, when the rest of the UK, its economy in the doldrums, its chicken all chlorinated, its sewers overflowing with the excrement coming from the mouths of Johnson and Co, its genetically modified crops rotting in the field for want of staff, its NHS bought and destroyed by Trump, its trade agreements with the rest of the world non-existent or written very much in favour of the other parties, its barbed wire borders saturated with the rotting corpses of those trying to escape the barbarity within, then we will welcome the UK back into the EU with open arms.

In the meantime, as the Brexiters would have it, we have decided to take back control. And we are happily flying the EU flag.

Yours sincerely

SDRSW – EU