Cancer 26

Well, that didn’t last long. I am now back in hospital with tubes sticking out of me. I am typing with one thumb. I had one good full day at home. The following morning I felt intemse pain coming on and spent the early morning hours struggling through witb Sue and Conor. The pain was unbearable. At one point it was coming through in waves. I just wanted to die. If this all I have to look forward to then it is better to be dead.

In the morning our nurse friend Jude came round and recommended hospital. We phoned the stoma nurse who also recommended hospital. We phoned 999.

The ambulance came quickly. I was reassured by the first chap round the door as he looked tall, strong and fit. I was worried two slight girls would not be able to shift me after my sister had a similar experience, and she was half my size.

They were very efficient, checking my vitals, asking the right questions and, jointly with the stoma nurse, bypassing A & E to get me straight into hospital. At hospital I was in a lot of pain. I went through usual rigmarole, including 4 attempts to get an IV into my arm. I have had 2 CT scans. I had hoped my problem was a blockage of the stoma, which still hasn’t functioned properly, but my abdomen is instead full of a blood-like substance, which may mean another operation. I hope not. The aftermath of this one is bad enough.

I am being fed antibiotics, nourishment and painkillers through my IV. I am drinking water and eating no food since the day before yesterday.

I am here for assessment. I don’t know how long that will take. Then there is treatment. I really hope that is not an operation. I don’t know if I can cope with that. It would be better to die now.