Cancer 34

My apologies for not publishing anything for a while. I spent many days in hospital wanting to be home, and once I got home I have spent many days just sitting in my chair, reading books, going for short walks down the road, and generally spending all my energies on trying to get better. Now I have been home for a while I am wanting to get to the next stage, which is being able to drive, my favourite hobby. Unfortunately I am not yet able to drive as my wounds are not sufficiently healed. I was originally told 6 weeks. That will be 20 April. I am ticking the days off.

I have got lazy while at home, just sitting and healing. I have read a number of books, nothing intellectual, just good novels. I have watched a few films. I have listened to a few podcasts (though I still don’t really understand them). My main achievement since I got home is that I have submitted my book to the publisher. Assuming they accept it, there is now a long process of making changes, editing, sorting out references, deciding on a cover, and so on. It also means that if I have the energy I can get on with my campus novel – a stirring tale of life in the modern university. It has to be humorous though it must be a tragedy. I have not had a novel published so let’s see….

I have not been sleeping. The nights are the worst time. Until the last few days I have not been ruminating. I have just found it difficult to sleep, partly because of discomfort and an inability to turn over. I am getting a little better at moving, but not at sleeping; but then I have never been a good sleeper. My common pattern was always sleep at the beginning of the night, be fully awake and often out of bed for the middle hours, and then get to sleep again for a couple of hours before getting up. At least that gave me enough sleep. Now I am constantly tired. I nap during the day but it isn’t enough.

I am getting better now, so much better that I have started to dwell a little on the next stage of this process, and it makes me unhappy, as that is the cancer stage. I am fearful of finding out that there is nothing more that can be done, that chemotherapy will have little point, that I have grown a new tumour or two in the weeks since the surgery. I know I am usually upbeat with a few downturns, but at the moment there are an increasing number of downturns. I am usually cheerful in the day, but mornings can be difficult. I know that being upbeat is an important tool in keeping cancer at bay, but sometimes it is hard. I am hoping it is linked to my boredom at spending all my time at home (though it is so much better than being in hospital), and once I can get out, drive around the Peak District, visit interesting places, even have a cup of tea in a cafe, then these downturns will be kept to a minimum.

I have a telephone appointment at the hospital tomorrow. Perhaps I will know a little more then.