Cancer 42

Having a sort of end date to my life changes the way I think about things. When we don’t have such an end date we can put things off until later. We can say, ‘Yes, I would love to go there, but not yet, I have other important things to do’. I no longer have that luxury because I will be dead before long. Today we went to Leek, not a place we go to regularly, and I wondered en route if it was the last time I would ever go there (not that I would be bothered). We passed the sign for Stoke, a city I have never been to, just passed through, and realised that I probably never will go there (not that I am bothered). It makes me wonder about the things I have done and the things I have not done, and the limited time I have to do things.

People often have a bucket list (not sure why it is called a bucket list, the buckets I have carried have usually had gobbo – mortar to the uninitiated- concrete, soil or water in them). They say they want to do such and such, reeling off a long list of to dos before they die. I am not like that. I have nothing that I really want to do before I die; I believe I think this because if I had such a list and didn’t achieve everything I might die unfulfilled, frustrated and unhappy. Not a way to go.

What I do think is that if we say, ‘let’s do such and such’ then we should get on with it. I have tended to think I would like to go somewhere at some point and then never get round to it. I am trying to change that so that if I decide I want something then I will get it now. I am not very good at this, it is difficult to change the habits of a lifetime, and there is not a lot I really want.

These bucket lists usually contain things such as: visit the Taj Mahal, climb Ben Nevis, visit the Giant’s Causeway (don’t bother, it is a pithering little thing. I was so disappointed), go to Paris and climb the Eiffel Tower, visit Morocco, climb Ayers’ Rock, wear a grass skirt in Tahiti – I don’t know, all sorts of things anyway. I have been wondering what I could put on my bucket list:

• See family
• keep driving and walking around the Peak District
• Holiday in Scotland/Ireland/Northumberland/France/Germany/Spain
• Write my campus novel (35,000 words in)
• See the publication of my book, Applied Narrative Psychology (Cambridge)
• Write my English Civil War novel (OK, 100,000 word draft, but words a little out of order)
• Write my Wingfield Manor social history book
• Write my Vauban book
• Read all the books on my list (not possible, too long, keeps getting longer, will everyone stop writing books?)
• etc

If I had this (and the rest I can’t be bothered to think about at the moment) as a bucket list and I didn’t get it finished then I would, not die disappointed because I would be dead so couldn’t be disappointed, but know I am near death disappointed. That is not for me. Forget the above. What happens, happens. To be honest I can’t see the Vauban book coming out. Anyone else want to write it?

The other kind of bucket item people have is that they have not been to certain places, and they must, simply must, get there before they die (the places I mentioned above I have been to before). I have been to some places, and I have not been to others. So what? I might have liked to go to certain countries that I will never get to now (such as New Zealand or Kazakhstan), and I have never wanted to go to other places (such as Japan or Congo). I have liked most of the countries I have been (Ukraine, Russia, Iran, USA, Spain, Bosnia, India, Chile, etc – actually this would be a long list), and I have not liked others (China, Italy – sorry, both massive over-generalisations, I have liked elements of both, though I think the food in Italy is the worst in Europe). In the end it doesn’t matter. If I had never left Derbyshire it wouldn’t matter. If I had been to every country on Earth it wouldn’t matter.

I see little point in regret or disappointment regarding what I have seen and done or not seen or done. I can list things I have never done and it does not make me feel regret. I have never:

• Been to any Disneyland/world
• Visited Egypt
• Climbed Ben Nevis
• Owned a mansion
• Been to a horse race
• Been to a Premiership football match
• Read any Jane Austen (I’m proud of that one)
• Been to a West End show
• Been in a betting shop except to once pick up a friend
• Stabbed anyone
• Run a 4 minute mile
• Been to Newcastle
• Owned a Playstaion, Wii or X-Box (or whatever they are. My limit is Doom 1)
• Known how to use a washing machine properly
• Been on a ride at Alton Towers

And I am not bothered if I never do them.

Je ne regret rien.