Cancer 75

After my worries last night, I have had my CT scan results and they are positive. I still have the cancer. That is not going anywhere. It is scattered all over my abdomen, but there are no further growths and some shrinkage. My blood tests are normal, including the CEA which is slightly down.

So what was I making a fuss about? While I believe I am more or less in control of my emotions around this damned subject, there are times when a sense of being out of control can prevail. albeit briefly (at least so far). It is normal when people are having tests – going to sit an exam, meet someone significant for the first time, or find themselves in a war zone – to feel a certain level of stress that usually dissipates once the event begins. I know that even towards the end of my career (end of my career? I didn’t know that) I still feel nervous before a lecture, the feeling disappearing almost immediately after I start talking. Then the confidence gets going, but that is another story.

Getting the results of a test for cancer when the result might be massive growths of tumours, no hope of further treatment success, and death within 3 months could be considered a reasonable candidate for a distressful time. It was, and my relief at the result was equally intense. I wanted to cry like a baby – I didn’t of course, I’m far too tough and manly for that kind of thing, even though I am wearing a flowery shirt.