Cancer 79

It hasn’t been a good week. I haven’t slept properly for nearly a week. I get very tired, then lie in bed wide awake, so I get up, read a book, get tired, try to sleep, don’t succeed, read a book, get tired, and so on. Usually, it happens for a couple of nights and then I get my full 5 hours, but not this week.

My head skin is coming apart, with a rash from my chin to the back of my head. I feel like a baddy from a Batman film with a particularly revolting mask. I am using Moogoo, which is designed to ease the udders of cattle. I am not sure if it is working as I don’t know what I would look like if I wasn’t using it. It is the first time in my life I have used moisturiser.

Then after a bout of diarrhoea that was resolved with my Loperamide this morning, I had an instant fill and spill, so my flowery shirt received some natural fertiliser. It has never filled so quickly. Again the Loperamide seems to have worked.

All in all I feel a bit of a miserable git. I went outside with my axe and mini chainsaw to relax, which worked to some extent. I have also had the good news that my new car will be ready for me to collect in mid-October, so I should get to drive it unless the downhill slope is a black one.

In other news this morning I was told that I wouldn’t be able to do the full holiday in France at Christmas because I can only be off chemotherapy for six weeks – otherwise we lose the funding. Fortunately, a later phone call clarified that it would after all be possible, so I will classify that as good news.

So, overall that is two bits of good news. I will focus on those rather than the horrible side effects I am experiencing. Fortunately, my bloods, etc are ok which means my treatment will go ahead on Tuesday. I am not looking forward to it. Actually, I feel a little sick just thinking about it. I have had enough. This is my ninth cycle of twelve before I get to lose the PICC line and drive down through France in my new car. I have begun to understand why people give up on chemo, wanting perhaps a shorter life but of better quality.

It is a little depressing to read that the chemo I am on tends to work for up to 12 months. I am not looking into what the options are after that, partly because it is best not to know. I plan for the shorter term. After getting back to treatment in January I may go through one complete cycle (6 sessions, 12 weeks), and then take another break if possible. We want to drive down to Greece. Don’t tell me to fly. My hobby is driving. Airports are awful. Not only do you have to hang around forever but you have to mix with other people. Fortunately, I now have an excuse. ‘Sorry folks, I can’t fly because I have a compromised immune system.’ I should have thought of it years ago.

I will continue to persevere. Giving up is not an option, certainly not yet. I am sure there will be a point where I say sod it, but I have to finish all these long books I have started reading. I have to go to France. I have to go to Greece. We have short breaks arranged for Wales and for the Lake District. I have to finish my novel – don’t ask, I have stalled around 20,000 words, not because I don’t know where it is going but because I am lacking energy. I will get back to it next week.