Cancer 80

One thing I have been wondering about is the way people react to cancer, and particularly the difficulty some people have with communicating with the person with cancer. I must say at the start that most of my friends, acquaintances, and colleagues have been very good. They have contacted me, communicated with me, called me all the usual insulting names along with some new ones, and visited me. Of course, there was more of it when I was newly diagnosed and recovering from hospital, but that is the nature of serious illness. It is exciting for a while and then things calm down and a new normal is created. Now I am not exciting enough to visit.

Basically, when people expected me to die quite quickly, they visited more. Now I seem to be surviving for a while I have gone back to being boring and normal, but I’ll show them….

Some people have difficulties with cancer and other serious and life-threatening illnesses. They don’t know what to say or how to respond. I know this is the case with some people regarding my situation because they have admitted it. From my perspective I would say, don’t be daft, just get in touch as normal. I am still here, I am still alive, I am pretty much the person I was, but with a somewhat shorter predicted lifespan. That shouldn’t make it awkward to contact me or talk to me. If you ask me how I am you will probably get a more detailed account than ‘fair to middling’, but if you don’t want the gory details of the action of my stoma then don’t ask. I won’t be offended. Well, I might but that is my problem, not yours.

Arrange to visit, you might even get a cup of tea. The only real differences now are a) don’t ask me to go for a long walk/play football, as real exercise is no longer my thing, b) I don’t really like being around alcohol (that is a bit of a change I admit) so cafe rather than pub, and c) don’t be upset if I cancel at the last minute because I am having a bad day. At the moment I don’t have too many bad days but I reserve the right to cancel events as necessary.

This isn’t a plea for everyone to come and see me; it is more of a point that those who know someone with a serious illness don’t be afraid to get in touch with them. You can’t really say the wrong thing – well you can but you can do that with people who are not seriously ill, so what is the difference? If you suggest to me that my cancer will be cured or that I could live for 10 years because you know someone who did survive that long then that will irritate me, but so what? How would you know which particular topics might be upsetting or irritating? We are all different. And it is not just about the illness. If someone comes up to me and says Brexit was a good thing or that the current Tory government is not the most corrupt in living memory then that is going to annoy me.

The point is, to stay in touch with the ill person. Don’t be afraid to contact them, and don’t worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. If they don’t want to see you they will say so. By the way, I have moved house, had a face transplant, and changed my phone number….