Cancer 84

My first real setback, other than side effects. My treatment has been delayed a week because I have a cough and a cold. I have bad it for weeks but last time I got away with it. This time shows the balance between receiving treatment that might help woth the cancer and not receiving treatment when unwell because the treatment might make me susceptible to becoming very unwell – or dead.

The choice is not pleasant; either keep the cancer at bay with treatment or let it grow and kill me instead of dying of some other problem such as pneumonia or the common cold. I am in one of those situations where there is either a bad option or a bad option. There are swearwords that describe the situation perfectly.

But I am an optimist, aren’t I? Aren’t I? It is times like these where my optimism comfort blanket starts to get frayed at the edges. It doesn’t help that I feel terrible, I have unpleasant abdominal pains that my mind interprets badly, my stoma is discharging diarrhoea for too long, extreme tiredness, this rash that now seems to be under control, and to top it all I have gout – which means two more drugs on top of the usual suspects. Along with painkillers for the abdomen, which hurts when I cough, and because I have a cough (which has, I remind you, delayed my treatment) I experience more pain than normal, if there is a normal any more. Fortunately I have a high pain threshold.

In a way I am glad to have an extra week off chemo. I hope it will enable my body to settle a little, recover a little – as long as it doesn’t interfere with getting away at Christmas.

I hope you are not feeling sorry for me. Fornthe last few month I have been going through a profound experience that that has been cognitively, emotionally, behaviourally and philosphically interesting. It is far more interesting than when I just had heart failure, which has nothing on the mental and physical challenge of cancer, especially as the cancer will kill me sooner or later.

It is an exciting road down which I am travelling. It is a privilege to have survived so far, and I am lucky to have had my fundamental principles and beliefs challenged yet remain intact.