Cancer 150

150 posts. It is rather a lot, many more than I thought I would be writing, particularly just after my operation when I really thought I didn’t have long left. Some people might be wishing I didn’t have time for all these ramblings. I don’t blame you. There is only so much to say about death.

The last few days have brought it home to me again. After the fever the other day last night I found it difficult to lie down, with much of my body aching. I did the foolish thing of playing with the internet. I usually avoid it for my situation. I am not a medic and my interpretations of.papers may be wrong.

Last night I found out that my bad lower back is a sign of cancerous growth, and also that my problem with my left arm is cancer that has spread to the bones. I stayed up most of the night, very uncomfortable, but also stoking my neuroticism. Knowing that I can get neurotic I usually try to avoid the overthinking that leads to such problems.

Last night was an exception. It is still a little troubling, so I am listening to Joy Division’s Unknown Pleasures for a little uplift, or a reality check. It works. I am in a low mood, so I listen to something that generates a low mood. They match and I start to feel better. I wasn’t a psychologist for nothing.

Back to reality, my bloods are normal except for low calcium clearly dairy products don’t help as I live on milk, butter, yoghurt and cheese. I will get more pills for this. I am still waiting for the results of my latest CT scan

My 26th round of treatment starts on Tuesday after a six week break. Here we go again.

I wonder if and when I will decide to stop the treatment and get on with dying? Not yet, anyway. I have Joy Division to cheer me up when I am feeling down!