Cancer 154

It is a bit depressing again. I don’t know why. Apparently, Sundays after treatment are usually my low point, and today certainly is. I feel emotional. I haven’t felt well these last few days. My stoma has been playing up and there is this sicky but not sicky feeling I get in my abdomen (I am not in the mood to try and accurately describe the feelings associated with cancer treatment). I know there is a battle raging between cancerous cells and chemotherapy, and no doubt there are many civilian casualties among the normal cells, but it is an unpleasant feeling, being a continual battlefield. I can imagine the ruins lying around my abdomen, the fragments of flesh remaining every time the chemo chemicals launch an attack, the resultant casualties slimy and surreal, oozing through my tired passageways.

It might in part be psychological. My brother-in-law had his stag night last night, a formal stage in getting remarried after my sister died last year. I haven’t mourned my sister as I have been too busy trying to survive, but perhaps this is part of it. I am glad for my brother-in-law. He is happy, getting married again. He seems happier than I have ever seen him. Perhaps the stag do (I lasted until 8.30pm, pathetic I know. One ginger beer if you are asking) has reminded me of my sister, making me feel for her for perhaps the first time since she died. It is hard to tell. I also don’t know whether my brother-in-law should still be called my brother-in-law. He has been this person since I was a teenager, so I think the label will stick. Family structures can get awkward if they are thought about too much.

I also had an email from British Airways today. I have asked them about the assistance they provide for we poor cripples, and received a very positive answer, so I am thinking of flying again for the first time in several years. We are looking at going to Greece, so I am starting to reread The Odyssey. I like my history to be up to date. Emotions again, the thought that I can go on holiday by air, get somewhere faster and further than driving. In psychology, we have these theories of emotion, where the emotional response has to be linked to a cognitive component be given an emotional label. That link is not present for me, so I just feel an unnamed emotion.

I’ll feel better tomorrow. We are going away again, just for a couple of days.