Cancer 162

I feel a bit better than before. I am still up in the middle of the night, I am still tired, I am still changing my stoma, just the normal things in life, but I don’t quite feel that I am going to be dead tomorrow. Life is a roller coaster, though I have never actually been on a roller coaster. When I used to go to Alton Towers there was just a garden and a model railway. I feel negative one day, positive the next. Illness really gets me down, though I am aware that things change quickly.

It is as though my overall control mechanism is breaking down and I am genuinely living day by day. I can’t think that tomorrow will be a better day. Boring, I know, as an observer. Not that pleasant living it.

My hernia is painful. I don’t know whether it is getting worse, but it feels it. I don’t know whether the NHS will try and do anything about it, whether I am worth it. Probably not, but it would be ironic to die of hernia complications when I am riddled with cancer in my abdomen. That would teach them.