Cancer 165

I watched the new Christmas special of Outnumbered last night. It wasn’t very good, no one can joke anymore in our sterilised woke society. The Gavin and Stacey Christmas special also missed the point. Nevertheless Outnumbered had a cancer theme in it. My comment at the start was that this is a good thing, we should joke about cancer, but in the end it did upset me a little. I am not sure why, I am happy to joke about cancer, I am happy to hear jokes about cancer. Perhaps it was the family thing, when the whole family know and react. It is one of those points where my cancer is not mine, and I recognise that there are a whole lot of complicated reactions going on in the people around me.

Buried in my own feelings, it can be difficult to recognise what is happening in others. We all, including me, have the idea that it is worse for me – which of course it is (see what I mean?) – but others see how I am, think about the future, and have their own pain, which I often only see inklings of, just now and then, partly I assume as protection for me and them, partly because people don’t want to make it worse for me, partly because I am not the person they want to talk about it with, partly because I need to be protected, partly because they need to be protected, partly because we all want to get on with life, not to forget the cancer but because getting on with life is best reaction. There is little point in any of us being miserable about it.

Well, that was egotistical, thinking that others are thinking of me. Most of the time I don’t know what people think, though with a few I have an idea.

There is also the problem of time. If I had a quick illness and dropped dead then people’s thoughts and emotions go through a process, but because I am continuing to live there is cancer fatigue. I am pretty sure most people aren’t thinking, “I wish he would hurry up and die” but such thoughts go through my head.

Sorry to disappoint folks but around 15% of people in my condition live 5 years or more and I think I intend to be one of them. Don’t worry, only three more years to go!

Comedy may be dead, but I am not.