Cancer 171

As I blindly live my life, trying to be oblivious to what is going on inside my body, because I could not cope with reality, I sometimes see through the curtains to the real world and realise there are a lot fo changes occuring in my body, and they are not good ones. While away on holiday I wanted to take a short walk, a walk which a few months ago I could have done easily, if a little slowly. I managed to get a couple of hundred metres, perhaps a little more, and had to turn back, so I walked around half a kilometre. When this started I could walk 2-3 miles (yes, I have always mixed metric and imperial, it relates to the time I was brought up. We learned both). While that is not very far, it is good enough in most circumstances.

Today I walked around an abbey, a very nice abbey, Rievaulx, near Helmsley. Unfortunately I struggled to even walk around the site. I managed, after a fashion, but it seems not long ago that if I visited a ruin I would scramble everywhere, through every tunnel, up every step, around every corner. But not today. I did a sedate stroll up around and back.

I am deteriorating.

Also, as I have mentioned before, my abdomen area is a mess. Forget the stoma, it is the shape and size of the area. OK, I eat a little too much and – as demonstrated – I don’t get enough exercise, but prodding and poking can be quite painful, and a coughing fit (of which I have plenty as I am usually ill in some way – buggered immune system) causes quite a lot of problems, not least the feeling that I am going to explode. So far my skin is holding out, but at some point the walls are going to be covered with bits of me – at least that is what it feels like. And it is slowly (not slowly enough) getting worse.

I am even starting to think I should take painkillers regularly. After I mentioned painkillers before I was advised (if that is the right word) that I should be taking them regularly anwyay, in order that they can have maximum effect. I don’t like taking painkillers. I don’t like what they might be hiding.

I do understand that the continual drip of deterioration ends in a bad way, but I think now that I have mentioned it I will close the curtains and go and eat a special sausage roll, while watching The Searchers. We are going to have a phase of watching good films about 19th Century USA and its expansion. Any suggestions welcome.