Cancer 175

It was the second anniversary of my sister’s death the other day. I hadn’t realised until I was reminded of it. She died of cancer while I was in the throes of learning that I had a cancer diagnosis and preparing for my operation. I didn’t have time to think or feel much about her death as I was contemplating my own.

Anniversaries are odd things. They play an important role in many ways, and sometimes they are seen as too important. In my work I was involved with the commemoration of war. I understand the need for that. A large group of people have a kind of shared experience. They went to war together. It was a national fight, a coming together if people in a common cause. It has its limitations, such as differing individual experiences, but it serves a purpose.

Failing to remember my sister’s anniversary made me wonder why. Apart from my cancer dealings at the time I wonder whether the differences among family members and roles means that such an anniversary may not be shared in the same way.

My sister was a mother, grandmother, wife, aunt and so on. She was seen in different ways by people. She and I were both close and distant. As adults we didn’t usually see that much of each other but when we did there was something indefinibly close between us, even if it didn’t often show.

You don’t choose your family but you do share a past. My relationship with her was unique to me. We had a shared childhood. We didn’t usually get on very well, but when I look back at my very happy childhood she was part of it, though we rarely played together. It is difficult to describe because at one level she did not contribute to my happiness – quite the opposite (with notable exceptions) – but at another she was an intrinsic part of it, and without her my childhood would have been different in ways I cannot know. She is irremovable from my memories, from my sense of self and identity, though I feel no need or desire to commemorate her. She will still always be there

Other people’s experience of my sister is unique to them and I can’t comment on those relationships and what they want or need. The point is I have no need of a shared anniversary, which is probably why I never gave it a thought until reminded.