Cancer 181

Part A

I am rather nervous this morning. I am having my portacath fitted. The appointment is 0800, so my usual arrival time in order to get a parking space – 0730 – is for once appropriate. I am having tea at Costa Hell, with its unusable off centre saucers. I am surrounded by ill people, a common problem in hospitals.

I am not sure why I am nervous. The procedure is just about sticking a new tube up under my skin, piercing my jugular and poking the tube down through the vein to my heart. What could go wrong?

Perhaps I have just had enough of these procedures. It increasingly comes into my mind that I just might stop everything, the continual intrusiveness does get one down after a time. The problem is, so far these things are working, so I should stop feeling sorry for myself, realise that I am still having a pretty good life, and that others are far worse off than me. After all, I did eat pie and mash yesterday, followed by Bakewell pudding and custard.

Part B

My operation is complete but I am still abed under observation. The surgeon wasn’t aware that he had to remove the Hickman line as well as putting in the portacath, but after some discussion both happened.

I have discovered one reason why general anaesthetic is a good idea (I had local). When unconscious you don’t hear the surgeon using words like ‘hopefully’, ‘probably’ or phrases such as ‘this doesn’t normally happen’. He was a good chap though, I had full confidence and trust, which is important when you are being chopped up (his hands were very bloody when I saw them. Apparently I bled a bit more than normal).

Melzack and Wall were right about the psychological aspect of pain. I was anaesthetised around the working area so the pain was deferred to my opposite side, and at one point I felt the tube enter my heart which was painful – and also impossible as there are no pain receptors there! Neuroticism is very effective.

Hopefully I will get away soon. I am just waiting on the consultant, another set of obs and that is it. My bp does need to come down. One measure was 172 over 110, quite a bit higher than my usual.

Fish pie for tea tonight.