Cancer 186

I hate nights. Sometimes thgey are worse than others, but rarely are they good. There are occasional nights where I manage to stay in bed all night, apart from venturing to the toilet numerous times. Normally, I am out of bed for several hours for three reasons.

First, my stoma needs changing. When this happens I tend to leave it open for a while. I have an old fashioned view that skin needs to breathe. The stoma bag is constantly glued to the area of skin around the opening so it is a relief to keep it open, though I have to take care as during this time it regularly does its business. Wet tissues are the order of the day.

Second, I just can;t sleep so instead of tossing and turning in bed I get up and either sit downstairs and read or possibly watch something. This can last hours.

Third, I am in some pain so I can’t sleep. This might be stoma pain, hernia problems, or the general malaise associated with cancer and its drugs – difficult to describe as unknown outside of the experience of cancer.

Or, it can be any combination of the three. I know that when I go to bed, usually around 2100, I am likely to be awake and up before midnight. I might then be up until 0500, getting another hour or so of sleep before morning, as I am usually up reasonably early, virtually never after 0800, usually long before.

At the moment it is not so good. I have felt ill for a week or more. I probably just have a cold, the sort of problem that pre-cancer I would have shrugged off, but now it dominates. I have a deep chesty cough, and when I cough I have to hold my abdomen over my hernia, as it is protruding and feels like it is fit to burst. Coughing hurts, sneezing hurts.

I am taking the day off today. I didn’t go downstairs until after midday. I have not been out of the house. I am reading Richards and Klein and watching Gods and Generals. I will still go to bed early, I will still be up before midnight. I need to be better by Monday because I have my scan and then I am being interviewed on the radio. On Tuesday I have treatment. If I am ill they may not treat.

Sometimes the experience of cancer is not exactly a barrel of laughs. Still, it could be worse. I haven’t lost my appetite.