Cancer 201

I am a little out of it at the moment. I was told the effects of the radiotherapy could be three or four weeks. I finished 10 days ago, and have since had my 39th round of chemotherapy, and my body is a bit of a mess. The stoma is the worst. The RT was meant to manage the tumour I have at the side of the stoma. It is changing shape but I don’t know whether it will go away. It doesn’t feel like it is. There is also a fair amount of blood coming out of my stoma. This might be two things. It could be a side effect of the RT, where part of the wall of the remaining colon got damaged in treatment, or it could be that there is another tumour sitting down there, causing some trouble. There is blood on my stools, so my head says that might be the case. If so, then…..

The main practical problem is that the stoma is leaking more than usual. The mix of mucous, blood and stool is delightful, and emerges unpredictably.

I had a CT scan two days ago. I will receive the results in a couple of weeks, so I should then have a better understanding of what is happening with the tumours. Another one was growing last time I had a scan, and that may also be continuing to grow as it is having an effect on me – down there you know.

As a result of the changes to my stoma, I now have to inject myself in the stomach daily. That is something new. I have never done it before. I noticed on the packet of syringes that I should receive training, so I watched a YouTube video, and when I tried it a nurse friend came round to observe because basically I was terrified of stabbing myself (over-reaction, I know). It worked fine. It is still weird though, jabbing yourself with a massive scaffold pole of a needle. Actually, it isn’t that big; it is quite small and relatively painless. Just being pathetic, I feel pathetic quite a bit at the moment.

It is getting worse with needles. I have blood tests every fortnight. The last one took four jabs to find a vein. When I went in for the scan, it also took four jabs to get the catheter inserted. Add to that the other jabs and I have been injected 12 times in 8 days. It may not sound that bad but when it is put with everything else, the taking of around 16 tablets a day, plus more during chemotherapy, sitting attached by line to bottles for three days out of 14, dealing with the stoma, dealing with the aches and pains, being unable to do many normal activities, trying to manage all the medications in the several drawers and bags around around the house, and so on and on – for the last two and a half years….

God, I sound miserable. Sorry, a bit of a whinge. It isn’t that bad. I’m still here. I am still eating. I am still driving. I am still reading. I am still trying to write (note the trying bit there!). I did a brisket on the BBQ the other day. I am still socialising. I am still reading Russian classics. I still have plans for the future, even if they have to be for the near future.