Cancer 204

I am not looking on the bright side at the moment. The last few days have been painful. It is the stoma, or specifically the end of the colon which is sore. It is difficult when you have a sore bit of the body that is constantly being covered by shit. I try to clean it regularly but it is impossible to keep clean at all times.

I am on a buildup of painkillers. I take zomorph, a slow release morphine, twice a day, and paracetamol when required. It isn’t enough, so I spoke to the GP yesterday and he is subscribing oromorph again, liquid morphine, which I can use more or less at will to control the pain. I am not at the stage yet of just swigging it down but I can feel it coming. It is not that the pain is unbearable like gout, but it is a constant soreness, and it means I try to protect my stomach area from other people – don’t go into crowds, don’t bang it anywhere. Pain grinds you down over time, particularly when you know there is no recovery, that it is just going to get worse. There may be more periods that are painfree, but the general path is downhill.

Adding to this, I am off to the hospital today (three times this week in total) to have my stoma checked, but also to have my bloods checked regarding the thinners that are in place because of the stoma problem. If the tablets I am taking for this are not effective, then I may need to go back to giving myself a daily injection. I am not sure I can do that. I know, it is only an injection, but it may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. When I was doing the injections I was dreading it all day, when I did them they did become painful because I am restricted in which areas of the abdomen I can use – one side is taken up by that sore stoma. The injection is supposed to be in a different place every day. I may be big, but I am not that big!

I have always tried to come across as positive, but there are limits. I do try to go along with medical advice – these people know a lot more than me and I trust them – but I am on 16-27 tablets a day (depending on cycle), along with chemo three days every fortnight, removing my own chemo needle/bottle, a blood test at least every fortnight, regular emptying and changing of the stoma bag, and various other hospital visits, it can become a bit much – again, particularly because there is no hope except perhaps a little more time.

It doesn’t help that I haven’t had much sleep. I have been up most of this night, and the two nights before that. I get intermittent sleep, the odd hour or two, or even five minutes or so, once or twice in the night. It is now 0530. I slept well until after midnight, after which I got up and have been sitting downstairs since then. In half an hour the alarm will go and I need to get ready to go to the hospital to ensure I get there by 0730 so I can get a parking space. At least my two appointments today are 0830 and 0900. I should get away quite quickly.

On the positive side, there has to be a positive side, we have had good BBQs over the weekend, three days running, and we are off out for lunch three times this week. I am still a little bit of a social animal, and I am still useless at restricting my food intake because of my stoma or my cancer. Just don’t punch me in the stoma. Oh, I am also thinking of doing an MA degree.