Cancer 222

When I started this blog, my intention was todescribe the process of having cancer, and dying from cancer. It has been ongoing for nearly three years now. I was diagnosed in January 2023 and started chemotherapy in June 2023. Until recently, I have been relatively stable. The chemotherapy worked for a reasonably long period, and the tumours didn’t really grow very much. The side effects were manageable. It meant I have had a reasonable life. We have been on lots of holidays, I have eaten lots of food. I have missed out on alcohol and parties, but life has generally been pretty good, even with the hammer of the gods poised above my head.

That has changed. The failure of the chemotherapy, the growth of the tumours, the side effects and sickness from the new chemotherapy, it is changing everything. I am constantly wanting to sleep. I even slept at night last night, which is unusual for me. This morning I was trying to read, but I was falling asleep. And food – I am just not interested. I did eat a little something last night and some breakfast this morning, but I don’t really care.

Reading about dying, and seeing some people die, I am aware of the tendency to grow inwards, to take less interest in the outside world. That appears to be happening to me. It is early stages but it is there. The question is why. I think it is about resources. As I was speaking about in the last blog, the resources are becoming more limited. There are fewer resources available to deal with the outside world, whether that is the big news stories or conversing with friends. It is becoming harder. Like my previous descriptions of life as a roller coaster, I have no idea whether I will steadily withdraw or whether there will be phases of withdrawal and engagement. I am only on my second round of the new chemotherapy, so I might just be getting used to it. On the other hand….

The other question is how long can I carry on doing the blog for? Presumably as I lose interest in the world I will lose interest in doing the blog. If you don’t see a blog is that because I am dead or I can’t be bothered? I don’t know. Anyway, I can’t be bothered to write any more today. Night night.