Cancer 226

If I had written this yesterday it would probably have been entirely negative. I had one if the worst days since the weeks after my operation. It is said they use this treatment after the failure of the first because the side effects are so much worse. They are, and they hit later. As usual I was fine for the first few days post treatment, and then bam!

I found it hard to move, to think, to read, to talk, to eat. I am not right today but I feel better than yesterday. At the moment I have a nasty cold, both in my head and in my throat. I have had a horrid sore throat for a couple of days. Having a useless immune system is not fun.

It is difficult to describe how I feel, how it feels with the side effects. It is nothing like any normal (non-cancer) feeling. It permeates my whole body. Standing up and walking is difficult. I am dizzy, tired, and feel sick. My stoma churns out awful diarrhoea that I have to deal with when feeling awful. It doesn’t go down the toilet on its own, you know!

On these days I understand why people give up treatment. If I have to live like this is it worth it? It is getting harder to fight. I want to cry, I do cry. It is a permanent pain of the soul. It is chipping away at me, eating me, until I think I can’t go on.

And then.

I have to go on. You only get one go at this. Once you give up it is over. Man up, stiffen that lip, and crack on with life!