Cancer 229

It has been a while since my last blog. On Tuesday I will be starting my 49th round of chemo, the 6th using this treatment, which means I will presumably be able to take a break when I want to. I don’t want to, though everything has been through my mind in the last couple of weeks, from optimistic hopes regarding longevity to pessimistic horrors regarding givng up treatment and dying. As I have said before, my mood swings go from one extreme to the other. I don’t seem to be able to sit comfortably in the middle with a few gentle swings towards optimism and pessimism.

It doesn’t help that I am constantly terrribly tired. I am not sleeping. Nothing new there, except I am drifting off as I am writing, I am forgetting not only my next sentence, but this one. I am getting an hour’s sleep followed by most of the night awake, and then from c. 0500 I drift back to bed and try to sleep. I usually get another hour or two, adding up to anywhere between 2 and 4 hours a night.

Sorry, I am having to delete and rewrite all this simply because of my tiredness. I was going to write about my recent illness, but I think I will leave it for another time. I can’t stay awake.