Cancer 19

After the tone of the previous two blogs it is perhaps time to be a little more positive. Last night was awful, with the realisation of death, the loneliness, the total helplessness, but there is no reason to despair. If I despair then I will lead a miserable life for whatever period I have left. And how would that help? I would much prefer to spend what remains of my life with my family and friends, and getting this damned book finished.

There is no denying that today has been difficult. I am sitting in hospital with a big wound, a stoma that has farted but not crapped yet, and I just want to get up and get moving. But I have achieved things today. First of all my mood is better. That helps with the rest. I have had most of my pipes and connections removed so that is good. I have started getting up and urinating myself, walking across the way each time. I have even managed to get my trousers on to preserve my dignity!

Getting my trousers on was quite an achievement as I had to reach down to the floor, but I did it. I have just been jabbed in the stomach, a form of warfarin to stop blood clots, and then I had oral painkillers. This morning I stopped taking diamorphin as I didn’t want to depend on it. The pain is a little elevated but it is worth it if I can manage.

Today my son and his wife arrived. They are up for the funeral, but it is good they have made it early so we can see each other. One doctor is going out of her way to make the funeral happen for me in one of the rooms. She is amazing. She is coming into the hospital despite not having a shift, just to make it happen. Again, the staff are brilliant.

Unfortunately I had to chase my visitors away because I was tired and feeling a little unwell because my gut has not started working. Hopefully tomorrow.

If I am not entirely upbeat it is because of the pain, not severe but continual, the heat in the room, and the boredom. I don’t have the energy to read or write properly. At least I have had some sleep.

I may start to write about death again in my next blog. I know it comes up a lot, perhaps that is because it is important!

Later – it is early morning. I am somewhat nauseous and in some pain. I will have to admit I cut the diamorphine too early. They did say not to be brave! I thought I could tough it out. I have to remember it is only 2.5 days since the surgery! I don’t need to be brave.