Cancer 253

I may be entering a new phase of cancer life. This one is about waking up in the morning and wishing you hadn’t, wishing that you had died peacefully in your sleep. It is not every day – yet, but the number of times it is happening is increasing, particularly over the last couple of weeks. I improved after my last post, to the extent of getting a crip mobile and going around Chatsworth gardens, but then I have gone down hill again with these bloody tablets. The new regime is boody horrible. After a few days of the tablets I really don’t want much except death or recovery, and we know I am not going to recover. I a now on a four week cycle. Drug in hospital, two weeks of nasty tablets, drug in hospital (which is what I am waiting for now), and then over a week before the NHS takes over again.

I am hoping the next week and a half are going to be better (see – I still have my little hopes).

I am finding it difficult to type because of my neuropathy, the now severe tingling in my fingers. It is also getting harder to fasten shirt buttons and tie shoelaces. MY feet have the same problem, which creates difficulties putting shpes on and walking generally.

I still don’t now whether my pain threshold has changed or whether it is the morphine that is having an effect, but I am not sure how I bear all the things that happen, whether that is neuropathy, constipation and concomitant stomach pains, the pains from the growths which make it difficult to bend down, the inability to lie on my side, taste changes, aversion to certain smells (especially coffee), the continually breaking nails and what they catch on (I know, sounds trivial, but try having more than one broken nail a day and very soft nails – and the interaction withg neuropathy), and the general indescribable discomfort I am living with continually.

I am hoping that there will still be good days during the chemo cycle. There needs to be. If not, I don’t think it will be long before I decide to stop the chemo. We are meant to be traveling to Devon at the weekend. I hope it will be fine but I am now at the stage of wondering how far I can drive. If I get those days as good ones, then perhaps continuing with the chemo will be worth it. if not, then who knows?