Cancer 177
Posted on March 11, 2025 Leave a Comment
This is painful. A couple of days ago I started to get severe pain in and around my shoulder. Tramadol alone barely touches it, Tramadol plus paracetamol works for a time. I am sitting writing this in the bathroom of a very nice hotel because I can’t sleep. It is painful to lie on my back, painful to lie on my right side, and just about manageable to lie on my left side if I am careful. It is gone 0415. I have managed a couple of one hour sleeps. Perhaps I should just get in the bath to see if that eases it (it doesn’t, I tried it last night).
Then of course there is the one track mind that is having cancer. Is the pain there because the cancer has spread? Unlike real life, everything with cancer is interpreted as though it is cancer. Obviously a pain is a pain. It can have many causes, but once you have cancer then every pain is cancer. If it has got to my shoulder then it is in my bones, it has spread uncontrollably. That is it. I am dead. Of course, as my cancer is terminal I will be dead, but at the same time as the pessimism there is optimism. This can’t be it surely? I can’t really be dying.
The result of all this is sitting in a hotel bathroom at 0420 unable to sleep not only because of the pain but because of the wild and contradictory thoughts and feelings rushing around my head.
Perhaps I will run that bath.
Cancer 176
Posted on March 6, 2025 Leave a Comment
I had a number of ideas about this blog but the chemobrain means that ideas fall out of my brain like lemmings off a cliff (except lemmings dot do that, do they?). My brain is significantly affected by my treatment, unless the cancer has got to my brain. I wouldn’t know if it has because my head is not scanned. Oh yes, there’s a memory. I got my CT scan results back on Friday. No change, no growth no diminution, no sign of anything on my lung. I have just (literally, I took the bottle off five minutes ago) finished this week’s chemo, round 32 – I bet Mike Tyson couldn’t keep up with me. My blood tests were fine, except the chemo marker which has increased from 6 to 8. The consultant didn’t seem to care so I won’t either.
Apart from memory loss, tiredness, abdominal pains (largely my hernias and stoma), inability to walk far, and turning into a pumpkin at 8pm every night, I am feeling pretty good. Inevitably, the last couple of days on chemo I have done quite a bit of work. My Wingfield Manor history is coming on, first draft competed, second draft on its way. It will soon be time to grovel to publishers to see if anyone is interested. I really should have an agent but they wouldnt make much money from me. I have just had the first draft on my cancer book printed so I can go through it with my pen – better than the screen – and then do the same with the publishers for that. I don’t hold out any great hopes for publication, but then I expect them to be published. I am used to rejections as long as there is a yes from someone at the end of the process. Hey, I am already planning the second cancer book. I just need to stay alive long enough to get it written.
Then there is the novel. The first draft is probably 80% finished but it has been sitting around for a couple of months, which means that when I get back to it I will have forgotten lots of things – there’s that chemobrain again.
I was invited to talk at a Wingfield Manor exhibition (for which I have provided the written materials), but it is the evening and pumpkins can’t talk, so today I provided a PowerPoint version with my pretty face in the corner talking about the history of the manor and the interesting people associated with it, from Ralph Cromwell in the mid-15th Century, through the Talbots until the 17th Century, the Civil Wars, and Immanuel Halton the astronomer. There are also the powerful and interesting women, Queen Elizabeth I, Bess of Hardwick, Mary, Queen of Scots, and the three daughters of the 7th Earl of Shrewsbury. One wrote a cookery book, another wrote a cookery book and was an early female scientist, and the other, erm, was a good dancer. I could tell you more if you are interested.
It is good to be able to do some work. Tomorrow I might mow the lawn. With the writing I am doing exactly what I wanted to do in my retirement, particularly writing about history. I have left the British Psychological Society, so I am no longer a Chartered Psychologist or an Associate Fellow of the Society, I am leaving the HCPC, so no right to practice, and I am only keeping my Fellowship of the Royal Historical Society – because basically I would rather be a historian than a psychologist. It is time for a change of career. I just hope I can remember that I am now a historian.
Cancer 175
Posted on February 27, 2025 Leave a Comment
It was the second anniversary of my sister’s death the other day. I hadn’t realised until I was reminded of it. She died of cancer while I was in the throes of learning that I had a cancer diagnosis and preparing for my operation. I didn’t have time to think or feel much about her death as I was contemplating my own.
Anniversaries are odd things. They play an important role in many ways, and sometimes they are seen as too important. In my work I was involved with the commemoration of war. I understand the need for that. A large group of people have a kind of shared experience. They went to war together. It was a national fight, a coming together if people in a common cause. It has its limitations, such as differing individual experiences, but it serves a purpose.
Failing to remember my sister’s anniversary made me wonder why. Apart from my cancer dealings at the time I wonder whether the differences among family members and roles means that such an anniversary may not be shared in the same way.
My sister was a mother, grandmother, wife, aunt and so on. She was seen in different ways by people. She and I were both close and distant. As adults we didn’t usually see that much of each other but when we did there was something indefinibly close between us, even if it didn’t often show.
You don’t choose your family but you do share a past. My relationship with her was unique to me. We had a shared childhood. We didn’t usually get on very well, but when I look back at my very happy childhood she was part of it, though we rarely played together. It is difficult to describe because at one level she did not contribute to my happiness – quite the opposite (with notable exceptions) – but at another she was an intrinsic part of it, and without her my childhood would have been different in ways I cannot know. She is irremovable from my memories, from my sense of self and identity, though I feel no need or desire to commemorate her. She will still always be there
Other people’s experience of my sister is unique to them and I can’t comment on those relationships and what they want or need. The point is I have no need of a shared anniversary, which is probably why I never gave it a thought until reminded.
Cancer 174
Posted on February 17, 2025 Leave a Comment
My treatment starts on Tuesday. My bloods are all fine, the cancer marker has increased slightly.
I still don’t know the outcome of my scan, but if it reflects the look and feelings of my abdomen and bowels then alarm bells will ring. My abdomen is even more misshapen than usual, my innards feel like they are being churned in a concrete mixer, even the urinary side is giving some gip (gyp, jyp, jip – there are some words I have never seen written down). I have had to take Tramadol. I don’t know if and how it all relates to the cancer but I suppose I will find out in a couple of weeks.
It is the middle of the night and I am watching On the Beach. Yes, there is an analogy between the time the characters have left and the growth of cancers.
Despite visiting the hospital three times last week I had a good writing week. I finished a draft of the history of Wingfield Manor. It is only short – very short – but it is difficult getting information from the 15th Century. I don’t have a publisher yet but we will see. I plan to finish the draft of the other non-fictiom book next week. Then it will be the turn of finishing the draft of the novel. I don’t have time to die just yet so let’s hope this abdomen sorts itself out.
Cancer 173
Posted on February 7, 2025 Leave a Comment
I am in hospital for my consultant meeting prior to restarting my chemotherapy. I have had six weeks off, six weeks where we have been away three times, attempting to take advantage of the time. We went to the Netherlands, Yorkshire and Shropshire. All good, but I am exhausted. Holidays are supposed to be restful. You are supposed to feel better after them, ready for the next stage. I just want to go to sleep. My legs ache, everything else aches. Of course, it might not be the holidays, it could be the treatment, lack of treatment, time of the month, how the hell should i know?
This is my third visit to hospital this week -just to add to the exhaustion. On Monday I had my CT scan – no results yet – at Ilkeston. They have a new scanner. It is more convenient for me. The route is a bit of a change and there is plenty of parking. It was bloods yesterday, here at Derby. Inevitably my Hickman Line is still blocked, or rather it is functioning one way, stuff goes in but won’t come out. I flushed the line as usual in the morning and then came to the unit for my bloods to be taken. I might have had it done elsewhere, but I wanted information, which I succeeded in getting. I want this Hickman Line removed and a portacath put in its place. The Hickman Line leaves tubes dangling from my chest. The portacath sits under the surface of the skin, no dangling lines, and I can shower, bath and go swimming, which would be a bit of a change to my lifestyle. I hope to discuss it today with the consultant.
Today I also get my blood tests and hopefully my CT scan results. It should be terrifying, learning whether the cancer is growing and whether my organs are still functioning sufficiently to enable chemotherapy, but as we find with operant conditioning, one cannot stay permanently anxious. I have become rather blase about my results. Fortunately in the past they have been generally boring, with everything functioning OK and the cancer under control. This will fail, but when?
At times I feel like a fraud. I have said this before. I was diagnosed with incurable cancer that is going to kill me, I tell everyone, and two years later I still haven’t died.
I am limited in so many things. I can’t walk far, I tire easily, and I struggle with socialising. I have so many aches and pains I dont want to describe them. I have a stoma that is at times troublesome and usually sore, and I have what seems to me multiple hernias throughout my abdomen, held together with a band around my abdomen that is permanently uncomfortable because in order to work at all it has to be tight.
Socialising takes more energy than we think. I have always liked talking to people and listening to people, and I still do, but I can only do it for so long. If I am good then I function well for a couple of hours or so, then I turn into a pumpkin. It is almost like there is a switch in my body. Once it is switched, and it is often quite sudden, that’s it. I want to go home, or I want the people to go home. EVen so, this only works duri g the day or the early evening. The switch automatically functions in the evening at around 8pm, sometimes a little later if I am lucky.
People still ask me how I am. I usually give the British answer that I am OK. If I was truthful the answer would take a lot longer, and break the bounds of social expectations. When you are asked how you are then ‘fair to middling’ (or its modern equivalent) is the right answer. What I would like to do is explain how I really feel. I know people don’t want the details – particularly after so much time – but if I did answer then there is a whole set of things I would say. Some of these things stay the same for months, others come and go.I am sure no one wants me to die but if I answered the question in full then they might change their minds. They don’t want to go through this, even vicariously. Vicariously it is boring.
Recently I have got on better with writing. I am using my shed again, which helps. I have finished a rough first draft of my Wingfield Manor book (very short), so next I will get my article on the Siege of Leiden finished. It is for Battlefield magazine. I am enjoying being a historian rather than a psychologist.
Dr Nigel Hunt 