Cancer 239
Posted on March 11, 2026 Leave a Comment
It is getting worse. I am getting worse. Sleep is one of the main problems. I am falling asleep in odd places and odd times. I have never got on with sleeping, but now it seems I have no choice. If I sit for any length of time I fall asleep, whether I am sitting on a sofa or at a table. I even sleep at night – not all the time of course but I keep drifting off. Yesterday I fell asleep while putting my shoes on. One minute I am sitting taking off my slippers, the next I am sitting there, head drooping, asleep. Two minutes later I woke up and put my shoes on. I sleep sitting up or lying down. I haven’t yet fallen asleep while driving, nor in the middle of a conversation, though it has been close.
Fortunately, at the moment, I am largely aware of what is happening (I think!). I know I fall asleep. I know I wake up. The worrying thing is that this is what happens as people die. They spend more and more time asleep. I fight it but it is difficult. I am drawn to sleep. I want to sleep.
Another issue is that I am getting increasing pain around the tumours in my abdomen. They are getting bigger and are more in the way. Being thin is no longer an option for me. This interferes with my stoma, which is now constantly in a state of diarrhoea, except when I am undergoing treatment, when it stops altogether for a couple of days and then starts genereating rabbit turds. It is a mess. It fired off outside for the first time the other day. It could easily have been a disaster. As it was it was embarrassing. I know I shouldn;t feel embarrassed. It is not as though I can help what happens. I have no control over it whatsoever, but I do retain a smidge of human dignity and shit doesn’t fit well with dignity.
Let me know if you are intrested in coming along to my living wake on April 11. While details are unclear it will be in the afternoon, and will involve something to eat and drink. I need numbers and then I can plan.
Today we drive home from the Lake District. The last few days have been wet but that is the Lake District. I have bought books, driven around, eaten in nice hotels and standard pubs, and written bits of my thesis. With regard to food, a subject close to my heart – yes, my stomach is close to my heart – I am losing it a little. I no longer want large meals. I want to eat little and often. I do not look forward to the things I used to look forward to, such as a fried breakfast or fish and chips. The wife now has to eat her entire portion of food rather than avoid divorce by handing over a tithe of her food. I have eaten ready meals and thought the portion size is adequate. It is suggested that I go round the supermarket looking for treats but I no longer see food as a treat in the same way. It is beoming a burden, like so many things.
I keep buying books. I know I will never read them all, but I have become more obsessive about the,. I have several books on the go at the same time, both fiction and non-fiction I am currently reading about the Vietnam War in the Philippines, teh origins of the bible, George Orwell, the origins of the impressionist movement in Paris under the siege and the Commune – along with materials relating to my thesis, ie early modern science, domestic science, art and Aletheia Howard, and so on. I wonder if I am just trying to keep my brain active for as long as possible.
I am tired now. It is 0030, and I have been up since aroud 2100 (yes, I go to bed early, 1915 as you are asking).*I will try and read for a little while and then sleep. The problem is sleep only comes along for an hour or so, and then I am awake again, at least for a few minutes. Then I want sleep again. Everything is so disruptive.
Cancer 238
Posted on March 7, 2026 Leave a Comment
We are away on holiday in the Lake District. Ever since I started my second line treatment I have quite ill on the Sunday and Monday following the chemotherapy. This time I am trying to reduce the imact with a range of drugs, including morphine, metoclopromide and parcetamol. This is in addition to my usual 15-20 tablets a day. We will see if it works. It is Saturday evening, I have eaten rich lamb, been to bed and got up again, and apart from immense tiredness I still feel ok.
Stress is always a problem. Cancer causes a bit of stress, but so does arriving at a holiday cottage and finding the central heating doesn’t work, and then the car window decides to play up and not close properly. The ordinary stresses of life, but put against some of the biggies it can cause misery. I am really trying to learn that a dodgy car window or the absence of central heating really don’t matter in the scheme of things. I have bigger things to worry about – though in the end it is best not to worry too much about any of it. Worrying doesn’t change a thing. If I am going to fret upon the stage then I should be fretting about getting my MA finished, or finishing some of these half written articles I have, erm, half written.
If anyone is seriously interested in having a living wake then let me know. I have a date in mind and need to look at numbers. It will be nothing exciting, just a pub meal, but I would like to be alive for it so it will have to be soon.
I have just found a copy of the Krypton Factor, on which I ‘starred’ in 1993. I haven’t watched it yet, apart from the scene where I crash an aeroplane onto some sheep rather than a runway. I came third if anyone is interested, but I won the intelligence round, There, now you don’t need to see it. It was great fun filming it in those days when TV companies paid out quite a lot of expenses (expensive cars, hotels, food), but t was worth it because the audience was, I think, around 12,000,000 viewers, which is a little more than the numbers of books I have sold or audiences I have spoken to. I had good psychometric arguments with Gordon Burns for three of the rounds, but I couldn’t come up with an excuse for not winning the assault course. The intelligence round shows up as lasting a couple of minutes, but I took half an hour and the next person took an hour or more to solve the problem. Editing is quite important for a half hour show.
I recently found an old photogtraph of my psychology group at Hatfield Poly. There are only around 20 people on it, because undergraduate groups were far smaller than nowaday, and the rules harsher. Several people failed a module in the first year and were thrown off rather than gven a second chance. Quite right too. If we applied that rule now we would have a better system. I enjoyed the degree at Hatfield. Not only did I study psychology I also studied philosophy for two years (that should be compulsory in a degree), and obtained a qualification (ok a module pass) in planetary astronomy and astrophysics. Please don’t ask me anything about astronomy or astrophysics. It was a long time ago, before the big bang.
Cancer 237
Posted on February 27, 2026 1 Comment
Well, it is an, exciting life having terminal cancer. Up to this morning I was thinking I was running into my last weeks. I have now been to see the consultant. It turns out that because the tumour growth was under 20% (I don’t know whether that means 5% or 19%, but it feels more like the latter) I can continue with the same treatment. I was given options. First, continue as it is, second reduce the dosage to reduce side effects, third, stop treatment because my quality of life is poor.
What I have learned from the last week or so is that I don’t want to die. I am not ready to die. Despite having many days of awful side effects, I still have some days where I feel reasonably well (ignore the abdominal pain or drink morphine; ignore the falling asleep in my chair), so I want to live. I want to carry on getting about, reading books, writing my thesis, and so on. That excludes option three. Reducing the dosage might reduce the side effects, but it may also reduce the efficacy of the treatment, so that is option two out. I am continuing with the treatment as before, so it is time to man up, somehow make the days of the side effects more tolerable, and get on with it.
So, happy birthday to me, that was a pretty good present. Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive over the last week or two. As I have said before, it really does help.
To the future then. There has been discussion of a second living wake. You know, a bite to eat, a glass of milk. If you would like to attend such a thing, please contact me and I will sort something out. I wonder how many living wakes I can attend before I miss the final one?
Cancer 236
Posted on February 26, 2026 Leave a Comment
I am writing this deliberately before I see the consultant tomorrow, when I expet to find out the awful truth. So Long folks, and thanks for not giving me the fish.
It feels like I am dying now. I know I have been on this track for a long time (not long enough), but this feels different. The tumours in my abdomen feel like they are growing by the day. At the start of all this we were told it was an aggressive cancer. Up until recently it has been a bit of a wuss. It now feels like lumps in my abdomen, lumps that stop me eating properly – there is a tumour in my stomach – that stop me breathing properly; it feels like the tumours are pushing against my abdomen. It makes it difficult to walk any distance. I often have to stop halfway up the stairs, or go very slowly. The shed at the top of the garden is miles away.
I am taking increasing amounts of morphine between my regular morning and evening doses, not more than I have been prescribed, not yet anyway (though I did swig it today instead of measuring it. There wasn’t much in the bottle). I hope I don’t get addicted! Fortunately I am still only on morphine and paracetamol. I have mentioned before about how much I hate painkillers, but I am going to have to talk to someone about getting this changed.
I am also falling asleep too easily. Being someone who has always hated sleep, and I have spent most of this illness being awake for much of the night, dropping off to sleep at all hours of the day and night is horrible. Last night I came downstairs around midnight. I started reading, and then I looked at the time it was 0330. I had slept on and off all that time. I still struggled to wake up. I had to go for a blood test at 0710 so I didn’t bother going back to bed.
I was alone today, looking forward to a few hours concentrating on my MA thesis. It didn’t work. I have done perhaps one hour’s work, and then I was getting sleepy. At one point I rested my head on the desk. Never been known before. For the last few days/weeks I have been dropping off sitting in my chair. This is what dying people do.
Given the rapid change it feels like I have weeks rather than months left. IT is making us a bit miserable, but I suppose that is understandable; but I don’t want to spend the next weeks sitting in my chair sleeping. I have things to do!
OK, that is how I feel before the consultant meeting tomorrow. Tomorrow I suspect I will be off cancer treatment and on palliative care. I might be wrong, and I have no problem with being wrong, but at the moment I don’t feel like I am wrong.
Cancer 235
Posted on February 24, 2026 1 Comment
I have felt ghastly these last few days. I am not impressed by the side effects of chemo. I was very lucky for the first couple of years in that most of the time I had few such effects. Now they are, I won’t say unbearable, because humans can put up with anything if they have to, but they are very unpleasant. It is difficult to describe the feelings. There is a sickness throughout my torso, no doubt as a direct result of poisoning, but it is a feeling I have never had before chemo. It is not like any other illness. I feel sick yet I still want to eat – or I don’t want to eat. My balance is affected, it is hard to get up from my chair. The tiredness is overwhelming. I hate the nights now. Up until recently I would get up in the middle of the night, spend a few hours awake, then go back to bed. Now that doesn’t work too well (though I am doing it tonight). I try to sleep through the night but I need to urinate every 10-20 minutes. I have taken to going into the spare room and having a bottle to piss in, with the idea that I then won’t wake up properly so I will go back to sleep. But it is so uncomfortable. I have difficulty lying down because – presumably – of the pressure of the tumours on my diaphragm. I am breathless in bed. I sit up and I am OK, and I can gradually move to the lying down position, but if I get up I have to start the process again. If I lie straight down I can’t breathe.
I have a stereotype of someone who is dying. They sit in their chair and keep nodding off. That is what I am doing now. I sit in my chair; I go to sleep, sometimes a deep sleep, sometimes just a nodding off. Whether I get slleep or not I am still always tired. I was on the previous treatment, but it was manageable. I was just tired. Now it affects my whole life. My chemo brain is also getting worse. Perhaps the biggest part is forgetting words, but earlier tonight I woke up in bed and I could not work out where I was. I know we all do that occasionalky on waking up, but I could see what I thought was a window or door, and I could see the position of the bed in the room. It was almost an intellectual exercise to work out where I was. I was in my normal bed in my normal bedroom, where we have slept since movig into the house nearly 14 years ago. At one level I knew that I was having a problem, that I couldn’t work out wherer the door was, or where the bedroom was in relation to the rest of the house – I couldnt even work out which house I was in – but it took me several minutes to resolve it. I was actively trying to remember where the door was and I couldn’t remember. I was actively trying to remember where the house was and I couldn’t remember. It was a little odd.
At the moment I am still able to work on my history thesis. I can still write. I can still hold 90% of a conversation, but who knows what the future holds? Oh yes, I do know, don’t I?
If the last few rounds mean anything then hopefully I will feel a little better tomorrow (today), and for the rst of the week until, and if, my treatment starts again. I hope so, as it is my birthday on Friday. I am reaching 63, the age my sister was when she died of cancer just after I had my operation. If you dont have my address to send me the huge parcels that contain my birthday presents then I can send it to you. Though what does a dying person need for his birthday? I cannot resist books, though the pile by the side of my chair is too big for me to get through. I don’t really need anything else. What can a person like me want for a birthday present, apart from a new clean abdomen and a promise from a non-existent god that my cancer is cured? OK , forget it. I don’t need any presents.
Except people. I still want people. I still need you lot, so don’t go away just yet.
And now I will just have a little nap.
Dr Nigel Hunt 