Cancer 214

It isn’t all looking rosy. I think this period is requiring all I have in keeping that glass half full. This is a period of waiting. I will be seeing the consultant on Friday. I am aware there is going to be a multidiscipplinary meeting to discuss me, and the only reason that needs to take place is that the CT scan has shown changes. Changes mean growth, and growth can mean continuation with the same treatment, a change of treatment, or a giving up of treatment. I would like the current treatment to continue. I am used to it, I do not have particularly bad side effects, and I only need seven more rounds to get to 50, which seems to me quite a lot and worthy of a party. Unfortunately I don’t drink and can only put up with small groups of people for a relatively short time so it won’t be much of a party.

Changes also mean a reflection of my neurosis, so perhaps there is no growth and things will carry on just as they are for the forseeable future. It has been an ok couple of years, let’s make the next year ok.

I am eating a little more than I was a few days ago, but nothing like my usual amounts. I am not getting particularly hungry. In my neurotic world the growths in my abdomen are crushing my stomach so I have little room for food intake. The worst part though, is the feeling down there that I really want to go to the toilet. Obviously I can’t, but I think the tumour that I know is down there has started to grow, wrongly informing my system that I need the toilet. It is constantly painful, and is exacerbated by a bad lower back, which means sitting and lying in certain positions is uncomfortable. I am starting to use more morphine which is what I definitely did not want to do. I don’t like painkillers at the best of times, pain is there for a reason, but I am quickly giving up that principle in order to reduce the pain.

I can still drive. That is a good thing. I can still write. I am taking a quick break from writing my thesis to write this blog. I am reasonably comfortable on my office chair.

Apologies for any repetition across blogs. No, scrub that, I am not apologising. All you are doing is reading something that at worst is so boring you give up reading, I have to sit here wanting a toilet that cannot be. Trust me, a dose of morphine is nothing like as satisfying as a good crap.