Cancer 212
It appears that things are changing, and not for the better. I had a scan last week, but I won’t get the results for a while because I am still on my treatment break. I assume I will get them in a couple of weeks when I see the consultant. I am expecting growths in my abdomen. It feels strange, bits stick out where they shouldn’t, other bits feel hard when they shouldn’t. It is all a bit painful, especially if any strain is put on it. I can hardly lift anything now without significant discomfort.
I am getting more tired, but worse, I am finding it increasingly difficult to breathe. When I go from standing to lying, or when I do any exercise (and yes, walking from the car to the house is exercise, and the stairs are increasingly high mountains), I am out of breath and struggling to breathe. I initially thought I had pneumonia or something else relating to liquid on the lungs, but increasingly I suspect it is the abdominal growths putting pressure against the diaphragm. As it gets worse, it gets more frightening; I don’t want to die from being unable to breathe. It is so bad that I am going to phone the hospital emergency number tomorrow and get them to examine me. I have always been told to ring them if there is any problem. I have not been good at doing so because I don’t want to get stuck in hospital. Now I am thinking that I would rather get stuck in hospital than be unable to breathe. I am even taking some pain medication. I still need reminding to take it as I do not like painkillers – pain is for a purpose – but increasingly I am thinking it might be better to reduce the pain.
The difficulties mean that I cannot eat properly. I can only manage small portions, and sometimes nothing at all. This is not me. As anyone who knows me is aware, I eat – lots. Last night I did manage a pie (but not all the pastry) and a little mashed potato, but I suffered for it. Earlier I had eaten a small piece of quiche (quiche?? I know, sorry), again without eating all the pastry, and for breakfast a bowl of cereal. That was my lot for the day. I am losing weight, though there is a long way to go before I can safely say I am not overweight. If the eating problem would stop at that point, then I would have experienced an effective diet – though not one I would recommend (“Try the cancer diet. You are guaranteed to lose weight – all of it.”), but I assume it will not stop at that point and I will soon be as thin as I was as a teenager, and so on.
Food is yet another matter in my decline and fall. I have already lost things that were important to me, such as walking up large hills and drinking alcohol (not at the same time, though the latter would often follow the former). Food has remained important, and even though I have a stoma and I am being treated for cancer, I have managed to eat most things, and good quantities of these things. It looks like this remaining pleasure is disappearing. The other night we went out with friends and I managed only a single course, and even that was too much. It is only weeks since I was eating proper three course meals.
On the positive side I am doing my MA degree, and that is going well. I do now suspect I am not going to get to the end in the normal way, so I need to draft the thesis using the information I have, and add further material for as long as I can. I can still drive, though the other day we went to Lincoln for course meetings and when we got back I collapsed into my chair and went to sleep. I had only driven 100 miles and attended two one hour meetings.
Still, what will be will be. We are still seeing life positively. Every day that I have some health is a good day. I am not yet confined to my chair or to a bed. I might be contemplating suicide, I have been since the diagnosis, but I am not ready yet. I still have hope that I will go to more places, finish the degree, get back to eating properly, and live some more of a relatively normal life. Watch this space.
Dr Nigel Hunt 
Not sure what happened there but think I sent half a message. I was going to finish by saying happy to meet up first a coffee , usually at short notice, if you feel up to it.
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