Cancer 215

I sawthe consultant today, well, I saw someone standing in for the consultant. The results were not as bad as I expected them to be. As so often there are positive elements and negative elements. My CT scan showed there was some growth and an MDT meeting agreed that it showed my chemotherapy was not working any more. The current nodules experienced some growth and there are new nodules around the abdomen.

The options were two forms of chemotherapy. One was a tablet and one is Folfox. I will be starting on Folfox in – probably – ten days time. The procedure is similar to my previous chemotherapy, except I will now have oxaliplatin along with fluoruorocil and calcium folinate. I will still have a bottle attached for two days. Inevitably there are a number of side effects that I may or may not get, but now I am not meant to have cold drinks, use gloves when taking things from the freezer, and make sure I don’t breathe in cold air – great for winter. the rest of the side effects are the familiar ones relating to nausea, tiredness, diarrhoea, loss of appetite, pain, sore mouth, throat problems, heart problems, and so on. I hope I will be lucky like I have been so far.

My worry now is that the new drugs are not going to work. I won’t find out for several months, until the next CT scan. My intention is that they will work, and that after 43 rounds of the previous chemotherapy I will have at least 43 rounds of the new one (it may be unlikely but my glass remains half full).

I have also had my morphine dosage increased. Personally, given the pain, I think a straw would be best for the liquid in the bottle, but that might not be acceptable to the medical community. I now take 30mg in pills during the day and an unspecified liquid amount generally at night. I have had virtually no sleep for three nights due to the pain presumably caused by the tumour in my rectal area making it feel like I have severe constipation and a bad back. It is not intense pain like gout, it is dull but continuous, and difficult to sleep through.

The mess over the last few weeks, the pain, the uncertainty, has made me think of my funeral again, especially the music. It should be uplifting (except for the inevitable Joy Division song) and perhaps political. Ideas on a postcard please….

It is a shame people miss their own funeral. It could well be the point at which more people than ever before or afterwards are at least reasonably positive about the deceased. Perhaps we should try it out while I am alive. I can happily lie in a coffin listening to everyone being nice about me, though I think I would get most pleasure knowing people will have to carry my dead weight. I must make sure I don’t lose my appetite.