Cancer 217

You know that feeling, that feeling that by definition most of us have never had? I have been getting a bit of that feeling over the last few days. Dying, that it. We usually experience the process of dying from the outside, watching others as they go through the process. I have this rotten feeling that I am experiencing some of those symptoms that belong to the last weeks of life.

What are these changes? I am still unable to sleep much at night, but now I am starting to sleep during the day, sometimes when people are talking to me. My appetite has severely diminished. I am eating far less than the wife, and missing meals altogether isn’t a problem. I am still drinking, but sometimes not enough as I get thirsty. It is common for bowel and bladder movements to become less common. Guess what? They are. Mentally, I am getting confused – I have been for some time, but one of the other mental symptoms is hallucinations. Last night I had three. I have had several more over the last few days.

Does this mean I am dying? I haven’t got a clue. I haven’t tried it before (well, perhaps when I was failing to recover from my bowel operation). I might be dying, or I might just be having a bit of a low time. Some call it depression, I call it glass not quite half full. My treatment starts again tomorrow. It may work for a while, it may give me more time, or the side effects might be so bad I don’t even want to continue. Who knows? I don’t, and that is one of the more difficult things. I know I am going to die soon, but I am not sure when. I think I would prefer to know exactly which day I am going to die. Then the speculation can cease.