Cancer 240

My tiredness and dropping off to sleep is getting serious. I am sitting reading the draft of my thesis (yes, draft complete and printed out – long way to go yet though) and found myself with my head down, fallen asleep. OK, last night I got virtually no sleep, because no matter how tired I get I spend most of the night awake. It might have been help by my having a new computer, and when one has a new toy it has to be played with. I know, I am nearly dead so what do I need a new computer for? What a waste of money. Now, I would agree with that about clothes, I struggled to buy clothes even when well, but not about computers or books. There are some things you just have to spend money on.

We went out last night for the first time since god thought it was a good idea to invent humans and name them Adam and Eve. We went to the pictures, to a showing of a film on the exhibition about Turner and Constable. It was better than I thought. It is a good way to see an exhibition when you are excluded from it because it is in London. The problem was that I was continually falling asleep. I had a stranger sitting on my left and I ket thinking I was going to reach over an grab her. It was quite worrying, because the grabbing linked into a dream I was having that continued each time I nodded off. It was quite frightening to be out and about with people I didn’t know.

Then there were the stairs. This is the Ritz at Belper. There must have been 584 stairs to get to the auditorium. There might be fewer for most of you but for me it was the south face of the Eiger. At home I go up the stairs slowly, stopping every time I want to, but being out among people I felt I had to try and behave normally, which is taking the stairs 2-3 at a time, springing from one to the other like a mountain goat. Stairs are a real problem for decaying crips like me.

I am not really a man. I went to the butcher’s this morning. The wife asked me to get her a steak for this evening. A real man would obviously have bought himself one too, but no, this one says get me a pie out of the freezer; so while she gets steak, I am having a chicken pie (ie not really a pie, not really meat), and I am glad about it! My eating habits are a right mess. I eat little and often. I don’t even want a Sunday dinner. I always want a Sunday dinner. I just couldn’t eat one. I did manage a bacon and sausage sandwich this morning though, so hope is not entirely lost.

Right, I have sort of woken myself up. Back to the thesis for a few minutes, then venture down the garden and make a mug of tea.