Cancer 244

Chemo brain (chemo-brain, chemobrain?) is a thing. It is a thing I have in increasing quantity/amount. There are two main components at the moment, at the lower level I forget words, usually nouns, at the higher level I forget whether I have said something, or had something said to me. I forget people’s names, I forget the easiest of words.

At one level I probablyt seem OK. I have just submitted the first draft of my Master’s thesis, 25,000 words once I managed to cut it down. The feedback is as I expected, so I seem to have awareness and clearly I remembered enough words. I do like to think that the more I practice with words the slower the decline will be. I am writing a lot, reading a lot, and I am talking as much as usual – I think….

I have never claimed to have a good memory, except for maps, but the decline is significant, and increasing, despite my continuing to write.

It is an odd feeling, saying a sentence and then getting stuck at a simple word. A blank comes over me. Usually I know I am not going to remember it, but occasionally I can find a clue (beyond the sentence I am saying) that can help. I am not yet at the stage where everything in the house needs to be labelled, but you never know.

The potentially more disruptive element is the meta-cognitive level of remembering what I have said, not remembering what I havent said, and so on. This is difficult in a social situation, not only might I not remember someone’s name (even if i have known them for decades), I don’t remember what they have said to me or I have said to them. If I repeat myself in some situations then it can be embarrassing – though not usually to me as I have no idea what the problem is!

We drove to Devon to see the kids last weekend. I have noted before that my driving distances are reducing. I am not thinking the drive to Devon is a little long. I don’t have the driving stamina any more. The principle that once I can’t drive then that might be the time to stop treatment might still be right. Life without driving would be like bacon without eggs or a meal without gravy – unthinkable.

When we got back I was fine but within a short time I was asleep. Apart from a few awakenings I was asleep most of the night, but I am still dead tired. Fortunately I didn’t fall asleep driving to the hospital, but I have to get home yet after the current treatment is complete. Stay clear of the roads north of Derby this afternoon. But – this is another problem. If I continue to accept treatment when I can’t drive, how do I get to the hospital? Don’t even think about public transport, that would take a day each way.