Cancer 245

I have been a bit rough lately, though not so bad now. I am trying to get into the habit of having morphine 4-5 times a day, but I find it difficult. I am not designed to take painkillers, though rationally I know it is the right thing to do. I am regularly getting sick and tired the week after my treatment, which means there are relatively few good days in my fortnightly cycle.

The tiredness is intense now. I fall asleep very easily. Leave me in my chair for five minutes and I will probably be asleep. Add to this the hallucinations and things are a bit troublesome. This morning the wife came in and asked me why I had my wallet in my hand when I was asleep. After a few calculations, it turns out that in my dream I was buying someone some cigars, but in terms of hallucination I had tried to actually pay for them. I hope I wasn’t online making payments. I don’t really want a load of cigars to turn up at the house. If I am hallucinating – that isn’t the right word is it because I am actually carrying out actions – then I worry what else I might be doing. I have always been a sleepwalker, there has always been a link between sleeping, dreaming, hallucinating and some form of real action. It seems more intense now. I do worry what I might get up to. Perhaps I need locking up at night!

Food is getting to be a problem. Instead of being a highlight of life I am increasingly looking to eat simple meals, which is a shame for the wife as much of what she does revolves around food and preparing nice meals for me. Now all I might want is a boiled egg and some oatcake, or like tonight, pasta. Pasta isn’t a meal. It is a Tuesday night snack. Now it is easy to eat. I am also eating less meat, and less complicated meat. I am choosing vegetables, or choosing fish. I told you I was ill.

I did manage to get outside and do a little work today. I set up and used the pressure washer.

Driving is getting more difficult. You may have seen how I look at driving in relation to the worsening of the illness, and now I am getting tired just driving around Derbyshire. If I drive 20-30 miles I am tired. We are still planning trips away but it is increasingly doubtful whether any trips will involve going abroad.

Plans look good for Saturday. Thank you to all those who are helping sort it out. I have been left with relatively little to do, but then I suppose one should not have to be involved in the organisation of one’s own wake! Anyone who would like to come but has not let me know then please let me know. I can share my steak pie and mushy peas with you.