Cancer 260

I wish typing didn’t hurt so much. It is unpleasant, and my fingers systematically hit the wrong buttons, slowing me down, particularly having to make constant corrections.

I learned something new today. I have worried for a long time about my tumours crushing and blocking my bowel. I only ooze liquid now. It is probably partly to do with the morphine, but I sense it is a tumour. I asked today what would happen if the bowel does become blocked by a tumour? I would be taken to hospital and my bowel given a rest by feeding by intravenously. I might also need a tube into the stomach. A few days of that might make the bowel work again. I asked about the alternative, staying at home. I would not be able to get this treatment. If I had the treatment but it didn’t work is there anything else? No, and if the bowel isn’t working then I cannot live.

I still maintain that I don’t fear death – it is nothingness – but I do fear dying, I fear the pain. I was told today that there are several options relating to pain relief at the end of life, but I am not sure how it would work. Presumably it wouldn’t be effective until it is a lethal dose. That is what I will aim for anyway.

The home option does involve an array of palliative care people who will administer the pain relief ad do whatever else is necessary. I am seeing the palliative care consultant on Monday, so I will find out more then.

In the meantime, my stoma bag has contents that need clearing. Long may that last.