Cancer 259

It has been a while. I had a few days that were quite good towards the end of the long cycle where I was no being treated, but the kids were visiting at the same time so that helped my mood. I am now into a new round. I have hd my first hospital treatment and have just finished five days of tablet treatment. I agreed to have the same treatment as last time to see whether I responded any better a second time. While it is difficult for me to know, I just feel that it is a general decline. I am having a wide range of symptoms, some of which are getting worse, some of which are related to the treatment, and some of which are my worsening cancer.

It seems that every aspect of my body is getting worse. Typing is painful due to my neuropathy, which also means I find it difficult to write and difficult to do up my shirt buttons. I am starting to hand over this last job – another loss of autonomy. My neck hurts when I turn it. My muscles all ache. The neuropathy in my legs means that I am having more problems with balance. I do not enjoy eating, so I don’t do much of it. I had lost another 2kg in two weeks when I was measured at the hospital. I am a little frightened of eating as I am still convinced my bowel is blocked. No m\tter how many drugs I take there is nothing but some liquid emerging from my bowel. Perhaps linked to this is that the pains in my abdomen are getting worse. I was told to take more morphine, which I do, and it seems to work for a short while, but the problems are increasing rapidly. I will soon need a new prescription for pain, so it is good that I am seeing the palliative care consultant on Monday. They have responsibility for these prescriptions.

I am still driving, though I don’t know for how much longer. I am pretty sure I wwon’t be updating my Motability car in October, mainly because I don’t expect to be around then. The changes are getting more rapid. As I write I feel an ache in the back of my right hand and a tingling in my legs. My abdomen is painful on the right side, though I want to go to the toilet. I am tired. I haven’t the energy for doing anything interesting or useful.

I spoke to my supervisors on the History MA yesterday. They suggested I was getting on well. Ufortunately I am doing little work at the moment because of the effort and the pain involved. I am still hoping to finish it to an acceptable level.

I find I am less bothered about doing things, whether that is the MA or just eating. Fewer things interest me, as though I am closing in on myself, which to me is stereotypical about someone who is dying. I sometimes feel most live at night when I am dreaming, I am back to having full length feature films where I play a significant role. Last night was a plane crash where I helped with the rescue. I am also having some hallucinations, though not as many as a few weeks ago.

Time for a sleep – it is always time for a sleep….