Cancer 261

It feels like the end is a step or two closer. My chemo was postponed this week due to potential problems with my bowel. There is a chance that continuing this treatment could lead to a perforated bowel (ie death). I am having a scan on Monday to see what it is lookiing like, but it is unlikely that my treatment will be renewed, in which case I wil be onto palleative care, ie keeping me reasonably stable until the tumours take over (ie death). Another problem, previously discussed, is that of possible bowel strangulation, in which case there is a hospital treatment to relax the bowel and perhaps (perhaps) get it working again for a while. Alternatively, it is death.

In order to keep the bowel moving at least a little bit I have been given a new diet, which basically means that I can’t eat anything that might cause the bowel to clog up. The list of things I cannot eat is too long for a blog, but it includes bread and bread products, wholemeal rice, pasta, etc, any fruits with pips and skin, many vegetables…. I am not going to ever eat a bacon sandwich again. I am not allowed salad greens, tomatoes (unless they are deseeded and skinned), cucumber (unless deseeded and skimmed), onion (unless well cooked). I can eat dairy products. I can eat lamb hotpot, cottage pie (no peas), and corned beef hash. That is good. The problem is I can only eat tiny portions, so I am encouraged to eat little and often. We went to a cafe today. I had a poached egg and a slice of halloumi. My bowel protested that I had eaten too much. I am having liver and mashed potato – and gravy of course – tonight. I must not eat too much. I have been eating cheese omelettes, yoghurt, and egg custard. It is a strange mix but it is almost as though I am going back to the diet of a small boy.

There seems to be new stages starting, that are perhaps to some extent related. People are increasingly supporting the wife (entirely a good and necessary thing, showing what good friends we have). They are probably seeing my deterioration and how she is (remember I am not allowed to go into details!). At the same time there is a start of me being seen as the dying thing rather than myself. No one is to blame here, and of course I might be wrong. I might be starting to feel isolated because I am falling in on myself, erecting barriers to the outside world. People may not know how to react when they see this miserable entity stuck in the corner of the room covered with a blanket in June. I don’t blame them. But underneath the barriers I do still exist. Remember the BBC’s, ‘Does he take sugar?’.

If I had a chance of recovery I am sure I would recover to my previous normal self. I would interact with people as I did, be as controversial and inane as I was, and so on. I am still here, but my arms and legs are not working as well as they were even a couple of months ago, chemo brain is getting more serious, it is more difficult to type and button up my shirts, my abdomen hurts much more than it did, my bowels are eternally loose, and only work with continual laxatives. I am falling apart, so it is no wonder some people don’t know how to be with me. If you are nervous about visiting don’t be. I am still open to visitors. It is not even necessary now to bring food treats, though I am still allowed chocolate pudding and custard, and chocolate – but nothing with fruit in it (no change there). I just can’t eat much – though that makes it a good diet for anyone who wants to lose weight. On a good day I might have 1,000 calories.

My favourite bit about the diet is that I should always have a lot of custard and gravy, something I have been telling the wife for over 30 years!