Cancer 255

Unlike during the rest of my life, whether fit and healthy, with heart failure or with cancer, it is now unusual to be awake for extended periods in the middle of the night. I usually sleep, wake up for the toilet, sleep, repeat. I havelittle doubt that I will sleep once I have completed this in the next five or ten minutes. Sleeping is some of my best time now. I am having vivid dreams. Nothing new there except they are more explicit and more powerful. There are themes and characters that repeat across different dreams and different nights. The illusions caused by the tree outside the window sometimes affet them, creating a sort of horror dream. The advantage of being in the dream is that I can move around freely, like normal people.

Having said that, the longer it is since my last treatment (four days now) the better I am getting. I am not getting as well as I was under the first treatment regime, but I am better than I was last week – though that is not saying much as I was quite reay to die. At least now I am considering whether it is the right time to die rather than being convinced it is! I am dreading going back to treatment in a week’s time. This is the problem with chemotherapy, it is relentless. No sooner have you finished one treatment and spent a few days recovering, then the next treatment becomes due. I suspect that I will finish treatment not through discussion with the consultant but by just not turning up.

It has been a better two days. Two days ago we went to Chatsworth and I got a crip wagon. Unfortunately it broke down the far end of the garden. If you have been to Chatsworth (ie if you have money to burn) then you will inow that is quite a long way from the entrance. I had to walk back. It is fortunate that I can still walk, if for a limited distance and very slowly. I am glad they have a lot of seats at Chatsworth. There was no problem.They got me another one. It rained most of the time.

YesterdayI got my crip chair at Hardwick Hall. This was a much better machine, a tramper. It had winkers and everything. We went around the gardens in better weather. I even ate a scone, which shows I am really ill because I don’t eat scones, especially with clotted cream on. I need to be careful and watch my figure.

Until the other day I didn’t know that Bess of Hardwick had four big houses built. Name them. I bet you can only get to three, like me. But after Hardwick Old Hall, Hardwick New Hall, and Chatsworth, there was Oldcotes. It is no good trying to visit Oldcotes. It has been obliterated more effectively than Dresden. It was built for Bess’s son, William, but he rarely used it because it was too small, only 44 fireplaces poor chap.

I still have constipation, though not 100%, as it was until the other day, so I have been eating for the last couple of days. I wondetr if a scone is enough to ensure I don’t lose any more weight by the next treatment day. I am wasting away, though I suspect I still weigh more than any of you, as a result of my previous love of food.