Cancer 256

I have been looking at the various ways of committing suicide. Some of them are less practical than others, all are a bit scary.

I have never liked the idea of jumping off somewhere. I witnessed the recovery of a body from Beachy Head when I was a child. The rescue services had to be lowered down the cliff, wrap up the battered body and bring it up on a metal stretcher. The blood was oozing out of the wrappings, and it is not pleasant to put recovery services through this. In any case, I am such a coward I am not sure I could jump, I worry about what I would think as I went down. The nearest cliff, High Tor, would be difficult to get to the top of now, so let’s dismiss that.

Shooting is out of the question. I would need access to a decent gun and again it is not pleasant for those who have to tidy up afterwards. I only have an air rifle. That could take my eye out or cause something similar to a bee sting on my skin. I won’t bother.

Slitting my wrists, I did used to cut myself a bit before it was called self-harm, but nothing serious. Back to cowardice, I am not sure that I could dig that razor blade in deep enough. I do know to do it lengtheways, not across the wrists. It is more difficult to patch up.

Hanging? There is the jumping element here too, and I think I would try and use my hands to stop suffocating unless I fell far enough to break my neck. To do the latter I would have to climb high enough – difficult.

Sitting on rail tracks. This would be quick and effective, but I know from my previous research that it can have quite an impact on train drivers, and there is a lot of mess to clean up.

Drowning. I couldn’t just walk out to sea and not come back. I think the urge to live would overrule letting water into my lungs. I have always beene afraid of drowning. It feels like it would be uncomfortable.

There is a bit of a theme here. I am caring about the impact on those who have to clean up after me. I am assuming that those who know and love me will understand as those old clogs are popping anyway and I am just trying to ease my own pain.

Taking an overdose. This is not a bad idea. I have access to some drugs (basically painkillers like everyone). I just need to find out what the correct dosage is as I would not want to wake up afterwards. I would also have to make sure that no one is going to pump my stomach when everyone knows that I shoud not be resuscitated – presumably this would fall under those guidelines, ie let me die.

Starvation. Ironically, given the wife’s culinary skills, this might be the best option. Half the time I can’t eat anyway, and it is always a bit of an effort. While it can take a lot longer than other methods it might be less painful. I should ask Bobby Sands. It is also a method where I can change my mind – several times. I coud try not drinking too, as that is quicker.

Going to Switzerland. Travelling is difficult though perhaps I will look into this again.

Many of these methods are not open to me because I am a coward and I don’t want to hurt any more than I am already hurting because of this damned cancer. Some are unappectable because of the impact of others finding me and clearing up. At the moment starvation seems the most appealing. If anyone has any better ideas please let me know.