Cancer 258

Apparently it was supposed to be hot today, by British standards. If that is the case why did I need two blankets and a hot water bottle to sit outside? I have justmcome inside and my hands are very cold. I have got my inside blanket on so hopefully I will warm up soon. It appears that 25 degrees is the new 5 degrees. We went for a drive today, down to Calke Abbey. As there was no crip wagon available I made no attempt to get to the garden or to the house. We just went to the cafe. I ate one bite of scone and under half a cookie. My diet is getting worse, though I did eat some chocolate cake and a biscuit when we got home. I aso had a glass of milk in the cafe that I found difficult to finish – it was ony a small glass. The drive was approaching my limit by the time we got home. I took a circuitous route of course, but it still meant I fell asleep this afternoon and am ready for more sleep.

It is getting worse not just by the week but apparently by the day. I am getting more pains in my abdomen, including when I stand up. I struggle to balance when I first stand. I struggle to walk. This is particularly in the morning. During the day I am a little better, and then I deteriorate again later in the day. My memory seems to get worse on a daily basis. At times I have almst given up trying to remember something and rely on others to help.

At least my axatives have worked today, but as always now it is just brown liquid that emerges. My capacity to urinate is no better. I really want to go but when I try it is just a dribble. It feels like it is being reabsorbed.

The more I think about it the more I think the choice of continuing chemotherapy treatment is going to be made for me next week, ie they are going to tell me treatment is cancelled. I think that if it is there won’t be ny mre, unless there is yet another typy of treatment. I am not bothered if there isn’t. I will continue to starve myself, but perhaps with a little more effort. We’ll see. Nothing is certain.