Cancer 263

It is not a good idea to look up answers relating to cancer for oneself. It is now fairly clear that I will not be receiving any further chemotherapy so I looked up how long I might have to live given my circumstances. I am sure I haven’t taken important variables into account but the answer I got was a few weeks to a few months. I have already had a few weeks without treatment. Given what I know it still gave me a bit of a shock and the percentage of time I now spend depressed has suddenly increased.

It is not certain yet, and I am seeing the consultant a week on Wednesday but it is likely, given the circumstances relating to my bowels, that I will be solely on palliative care. Things are changing quite quickly now. I saw the palliative care consultant and have had my painkillers increased because the pain around my abdomen is increasing. The bowel is still open, just, but for how long? I have also seen the occupational therapist and my downstairs bed arrives on Sunday, along with wheelchair and 4 wheeled stroller (or whatever it is called) to add to the zimmer frame I got yesterday. My balance is not too great, particularly in the morning.

I am finding it more difficult to type with my tingling and numb fingers. I am having to type over much of what I am typing. Virtually every ‘a’ turns the text into capitals because I can’t control my third finger. I miss keys and lose text, etc.

It is getting difficult to wake up in the morning. It takes me an hour or two to move and I keep falling back to sleep. The new diet works well enough but I am losing interest in food again. It can be an effort to eat at times.

This is not good for me finishing my MA thesis! I have done a little today but whether I can get something acceptable together in whatever weeks I have left is unclear.

One positive, I am still driving, but I am not getting out and running around much at the other end. The kids were up at the weekend and that gave me a boost, but afterwards I was very tired!

I can feel within me that at times the will to live is not there any more, the will to write this blog is weak, but I must still persevere. There is a tiny chance they will offer further treatment and I know, despite the fact that I am aware of the pain that will ensue, I will still go for it. It is very difficult to say no to something, knowing that such a decision can only bring forward the date of death. It is so final.