Cancer 257

The countdown to doomsday is accelerating. This is meant to be my best time of the round. It is over week since my last treatment, and my next treatment doesn’t start until next week. But – the side effects and the symptoms are, if anything, getting stronger, and it does feel that I am declining and going in on myself. Only recently I still thought we could go abroad. Now I don’t think we will get as far as Northumberland. My favourite hobby, driving, is becoming more difficult. After cancelling the drive to Devon last week I am now getting tired just going out for an hour or two, Leaving the county is getting to be a bit of an adventure.

Except I don’t like adventures any more, I am just not bothered. It is the same with food, On the wife’s birthday we went to Callow Hall, which has a really interesting menu. I have always liked going there. I couldn’t even finish the food. Only a couple of weeks ago I looked forward to eating something in cafes. Now I am not bothered. I am eating perhaps half the calories I need and I am not hungry. I don’t even want chocolate or chocolate cake. I am still having these things but they just don’t excite me any more.

I am struggling to type. My neuropathy is getting worse. Typing hurts, which is not good for my writing hobby. One finger is getting permanently bent so I am missing keys. I am trying to correct my writing but it is taking longer. That is not good for my MA, whcih I am also losing interest in. I am hardly reading anything. I just can’t be bothered (though I did manage to finish The Virgin and the Gypsy today). I had to refill my pill box yesterday, perhaps 15 pills every day. Only last week it was relatively easy to pop the pills, yesterday it was so difficult I nearly handed the job over to the wife. She is now helping me with shirt buttons and sometimes my socks. The neuropathy is also in my feet and lower legs, which means not only that it is difficult to walk, but it is difficult to balance, particularly when I first stand up.

The list is longer, but you get the point. Part of the problem is pain that makes it increasingly difficult to do things. Part of it is my brain partilly switching off and being less interested in things. I don’t know how long it can go on I am slowly starving myself – and am quite happy about it – and closing in on myself, which I am fighting, at least to the extent that I can be bothered.

I am losing the will to live. Add this to my fear about the impact the next round of treatment is going to have on me and I start to seriously think about giving up treatment and moving onto palliative care. I do try to maintain a positive outlook. Death is just a part of life, another life event that we all have to go through. I am going through it earlier than I would have wanted, but I still need to see this positively. It is a bit like going somewhere for the first time. You now enough about the destination, but it can still be a bit nerve-wracking.